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Thursday, September 29, 2005

God or Not

Over 300 Proofs of Gods Existence (via del.icio.us)

And there is a post about Evolution/ID at Sir Humphreys that I must read.

Why is it that after there is nothing political to talk about people seem to drift to religious topics? Or is that a totally unfounded observation?

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Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Last Night's Dream

Actually one of many!

I requested dream guidance and as I was drifitng off to sleep it was like a reel of short films started playing in my head. That has never happened before.

I woke up this morning feeling like I had spent the whole night dreaming. I even remembered a couple of the dreams, which is very unusual. Here is the dream I had before I woke up:

I was in what felt like a primary school. Not the primary school I went to or even a real primary school, it just had a primary school feeling. I am as I am now, but it wasn't weird because age didn't matter and everyone else was ageless too.

I don't remember the environment in detail but there was a lot of very pale yellow everywhere. I'm not sure if it was the clothes we were wearing, the buildings, or just the tone of the light. Actually, all the details (people, faces, location) were unclear. I don't think the details mattered. I think it was more the idea that mattered.

We were in groups and we were supposed to be learning a dance for some sort of show. But the teachers didn't have the dance steps yet. Our group (or maybe it was just me, I can't remember) would go up and ask to learn the dance, but we were told to wait - to be patient. Apparently they wouldn't receive the dance instructions until just before we were meant to perform this dance. I was annoyed because getting the instructions just before meant that we couldn't practice. I couldn't see how that would work. How were we going to perform the dance if we didn't know the steps?! The teachers were completely unconcerned about such things as having to practice or even knowing the steps beforehand.

Possible Interpretations:

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Guidance System Overhaul

A Guidance System Overhaul. That's what I need. Or maybe I should just get a new model. My current system does not seem to be working satisfactorily.

I have been thinking about the ways that different people go about changing their lives and deciding which path to follow. It seems that other people's guidance systems are more direct, blunt, obvious. There are often strong pushes or pulls that force people to do things they wouldn't have done without the external motivation. For example, Bob A seems to be guided by girls. He falls in love and changes his life. He falls in lust and changes his life. Actually, Bob B is like that too. Much of what he has chosen to do has been based on either a push or a pull from a significant other. Maybe all Bob's are like that. None of the Bob's seem to go for more than a few months without girl guidance.

I kind of wish my guidance system was as fun or at least as direct. Most of the time I don't know it is even there.

My guidance system (if you can even call it that) works through my intuition. I have a premonition, or I have strong nebulous feelings about people. That's it. I usually only get the feeling that someone is significant. Sometimes, if I'm lucky, I will get some idea about how they are significant (eg "Bob will hurt you"). It is up to me to figure what the hell it means and decide whether or not to act on it.

Regular readers will know that I am feeling lost and unhappy at the moment. Well, it has been like this for several years. Until very recently the last time I got a very strong feeling about what I needed to do was over 3 years ago.

I don't like drifting so I have tried lots of things to get myself out of this place. This is how it goes:
  1. Ask for guidance - no response.
  2. Decide I want to leave.
  3. Decide I need to make a plan.
  4. I make a plan and feel better.
  5. Then almost as soon as I start to action the plan a few days later life intervenes (usually dramatically) and makes the plan completely unworkable. I think I complained about this before and David mentioned something about God laughing at plans. So true.
  6. Have a small breakdown.
  7. Fix the thing that brought about the dramatic intervention.
  8. Resume drifting.
  9. Realise I am back to where I started and that I hate drifting.
  10. Repeat.

It would be so much easier and more fun if I fell in love with someone so I could attach myself to their guidance system.

The other reason why I think my guidance system may be f*&ck*d is that my only recent very strong feeling, looks like it may have been completely wrong. Of course, it was an extremely vague feeling, despite it's strength, so I suppose I could have the interpretation wrong.

All I can do now is hope that my guidance system is actually working. Perhaps I am supposed to be here drifting and things have happened to stop me leaving for a reason. Sometimes it really feels like events have conspired to keep me here against my will, which is one reason why I get extremely and irrationally jealous of friends who can actually leave and it is also why I get very annoyed when they tell me I could leave to if I wanted and that I just need a plan.

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Tuesday, September 27, 2005


Or trying to. "Swinging wildly" might be a more accurate description.

There has been some excellent advice.

Write down what you want.
Say it out loud.
Listen to your reactions and your body.
Extend your timeframe.
Watch your diet.
Ask for clarfification in your dreams.

I have started on these things, but I am getting stuck on the what I want and sticking to it. Things are a little unstable here.

Six hours ago I had a plan. It was a good, workable plan. I was pleased with myself, and I was working through the first steps on the plan.
Two hours ago I had a little setback and I hated my plan and my life again. Two hours ago I was crying and mentally screaming.
Thirty minutes ago I calmed down and now I am philosophical and calm again.

I wonder if I have a mental disorder or if it is just the Universe rocking the boat so to speak. It is a bit disconcerting. Or maybe it's because I have incorrectly identified what I want and my subconcious is rebelling.

I will ask for more clarification tonight.
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What is Wrong with Cheap Alcohol?

I was reading this news article about The Warehouse possibly selling beer and wine.

I think: Cool! Cheap alcohol! But other people do not like the idea. Apparently it will encourage binge-drinking, especially in children. Apparently you have to keep alcohol prices relatively high otherwise bad things happen. Apparently people with less money can't be trusted with too much alcohol.

What I want to know is: why should rich people be the only ones able to afford to binge-drink?

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Monday, September 26, 2005

Should I lower my expectations?

I am feeling better. A weekend of sulking was very good for me. Thanks for all the support and suggestions, it is much appreciated, and I do listen even if I have a tendency to argue.

Now I have another dilemma. Yes. It is over-analysing, but I don't care.

The dilemma is that I am trying to figure out what I want. Well, no, I know exactly what I want. What I am trying to figure out is whether to lower my expectations or not. I am intending to write lists and goals and action plans and positive affirmations and so on. But I can't decide whether to write what I really want, which is possibly a little unrealistic, or to lower my expectations and accept that I won't get what I want.

Is it better to be upset because you don't get what you expect, or to be upset because you have lowered your expectations?

Am I more likely to get what I really want if I don't expect it?

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This Gluten-Free thing is difficult

I was going to start my gluten-free diet yesterday, but all I had to eat in the house was gluten-rich food and stuff that tastes good with gluten-rich food. Plus I really really felt like scones.

Today was no better. It seems all my breakfast foods have gluten in them. Except the bacon and eggs, and I didn't really feel like bacon and eggs. Then at work we had tea-cakes. Yum.

I guess I am lucky that I don't really like beer. Although, who knows what I am going to do with all the beers in the fridge. Apparently it is good for your hair.

Obviously this gluten-free diet going to be a lot harder than I thought. It might have to wait until after I eat all the lovely gluten-rich food in my pantry.

Although for scientific purposes I should note that after consuming lots of glutenish food and beer yesterday and today I feel pretty good.

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Sunday, September 25, 2005

Tarot Reading 24th Sep 2005

The Turning Things Around Spread

This was one of those "oh dear this looks a little too truthful and I don't want to think about it properly just yet" readings.

1. Why am I lonely, lost, depressed?
Card: Morality (Queen of Swords)

This is interesting and potentially difficult. The Queen of Swords sounds like me: intelligent, perceptive, penetrating insight, private, aloof, strong, idealistic, emotionally isolated, complex, courageous, inner wisdom, honest, forthright, cold.

Other words associated with this card: loneliness, separation, loss..

My first thought is that I am lonely because it is in my nature to be lonely. The scary part is the idea that the idea that I will be lonely forever resonates. It feels true.

2. What is contributing to these present feelings?
Card: The Miser (Four of Pentacles)

Need to control. Blocked change. Structure (material, emotional, mental). Selfishness (may be a good or bad thing). Dependence on material comforts and security. Need for personal security.

Hmmm ... Don't you hate it when the tarot is so bluntly accurate?

3. What or where can I find the motivation to move past- how I'm feeling?
Card: Harmony (Ten of Cups Reversed)

Ooh the dolphin card! I love dolphins!!

But this card is confusing. I am unsure whether the card reversal matters or not.
I am unsure what this card means. Does it mean all the good things: joy, love, peace, happiness, success, (which I don't have and is not very motivating cause I don't see it anywhere in my future)? Or does it mean the reverse meaning (loss of relationships, betrayal, escapism, qaurrels), which is also not motivating.

Or maybe dolphins are meant to be motivating. Or maybe Dolphin Boy is meant to be motivating.

"Let yourself be softer and more receptive now because an inexpressible joy is waiting for you just around the corner"

That's very nice. I could do with some inexpressible joy. Maybe that is supposed to be the motivating thing. If so then there had better be some inexpressible joy soon ie before Christmas...or else!

Oh. Wait. That wasn't very" soft" or "receptive" was it? I must try to soften harder.

4. What help might others give me?
Card: New Vision (The Hanged Man Reversed)

This is also confusing....especially if you take the reversed hanged man meaning which features particularly unhelpful others.

Maybe others aren't going to be any help. Or maybe it literally means others will help with a new vision.

Clarifying Question: Who can help me?
6 Pentacles: loan. gift. money. charity. Someone who is generous and gives to charity.

5. What uplifting - or spiritual guidance can the cards give me at this time?
Card: Thunderbolt (The Tower)

Gee. Not again!

Seeing this card almost made me laugh and cry. So far I have had at least 18 months of The Tower energies. And it has been quite challenging. I'm not sure if I can handle more. On the other hand I AM getting better at continually throwing away all expectations and plans and goals and remaking myself inside. It is just that sometimes a little bit of security would be nice.

I guess if you think about in the right way, continually jumping out of a tower is sort of like flying.

I wonder what this "Tower" lesson is though. I thought I had figured it out (don't rely on externals, the only security comes from within, not to be so controlling, blah blah...) but obviously I have it wrong or haven't acted on it.

OK. So it could be that I am supposed to be doing something else, but am being stubborn and refusing to change...so the continual major upheavals are just ways of making me do what I am supposed to be doing.

Or it could be that there just happen to be many major upheavals in my life at the moment.

6. What can I do to turn things around?
Card: The Lovers

Yay. The choice card. The DIFFICULT and LIFE-ALTERING choice card.
Harmony and union, choices to be made using intuition and not intellect. Difficult decisions to be made not necessarily about love. Some form of test and consideration about commitments. Abstract thought, internal harmony and union, second sight.
I didn't like this suggestion at all so I drew another card:

Card: Letting Go (Eight of Cups)

The Eight of Cups is another card of change and transition. It is also not fun or easy. It is a sad card. Something finished. Something completing.

Oh well. I guess there is nothing for me here anyway.
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Pop Virtual Bubble Wrap


(via del.icio.us)
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Saturday, September 24, 2005

I know I am self absorbed

Bob once made a comment about how self-absorbed I am. Implying, I think, that who the hell would want a relationship with someone who obsesses about themselves all the time.

I got a little bit cross with Bob. I pointed out that one of the reasons I am so self-absorbed is that I have no one else in my life to absorb myself with. I also have a large amount of that type of energy to use up.

Another reason is that I am sick of feeling like crap all the time and obviously no one is going to come and save me, so I need to fix things myself. And in order to fix things I need to figure out what is wrong, which means focusing on myself.

I get the impression that people think it is a bad thing to over-analyse and obsess about your problems. It seems that distracting myself by doing hobbies, hanging out with friends, volunteering, keeping busy and basically trying to ignore/bury all these feelings is the socially acceptable "solution." The socially acceptable solution sounds like a time-bomb to me.

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Thursday, September 22, 2005

I hate my life

Thanks to the encouragement of random people who I have never met before here is a rant post.

I'm pretty sure it will turn out to be whiny and complaining and very very long.

First of all. I KNOW I have chosen my life. I know I should be grateful and happy because I am alive and I am healthy and I have more than most people in the world and I have people who care.... but I am not and life just makes me want to scream and throw tantrums because IT'S NOT FAIR!!!! In fact I spent last night screaming into my pillow because I didn't want to disturb the neighbours.

Apparently the Universe has seen fit to dump lots of major stressors on me all at once. Here is a list of everything that is stressful and/or annoying and/or upsetting:
1) No money. Sure I can clothe, feed, and shelter myself, but I have no money to pay off debt, save, or go out and drown my sorrows.
2) Work. Stressful projects. Working evenings, weekends. The usual.
3) I am moving desks at work. I hate packing. Especially packing to move to a worse location while in the absolute middle of the stressful project with the end of September deadline. I am not sure whether to be thankful that I can't work this weekend or not. It just means more stress next week.
4) No money. I ought to go to the doctor, optometrist, dentist, but I would rather not spend all my disposable income on that. So I won't go to any of them.
5) The dreaded thesis. I don't even want to think about it.
6) No time.
7) Various family dramas, which I am trying to ignore but which are just contrubting to the genreal unpleasantness.
8) No one wants me Part 1: I don't qualify for UK immigration. I have toyed with idea of earning pounds and solving one of my problems, but now I find out I can't. How depressing! I suppose that means I won't qualify for any other country either.
9) I am jealous of all my friends who can buy houses, have partners, can go on holiday, can leave the country, have money. Oh, and while I am on the topic of friends : I am pissed off with all my friends who leave or are planning to leave and don't pay tax yet still vote for Labour because they are happy to have high taxes because they want to help those people who need help. Fuck!
10) All the little things seem to be going wrong: continually missing the bus, lots of paper cuts and bumps and bruises, continual computer crashes.
11) I am lonely. All my closest friends leave.
12) My stomach is sore.
13) No one wants me Part 2: I am so sick of being second best...I seem to have a disturbing number of friends who like me, but not as much as their girlfriend/wife/partner/dream girlfriend. I also seem to have a lot of friends who hang out only when they are single. I try not to think that they are using me, but that is what it seems like.
14) I am getting fat and I am not even eating much. And my pants keep falling down. That is one of the most annoying things: pants/skirts falling down when you are fat.
15) No one wants me Part 3: Yep. Still single.
16) Did I say no money?

But it is not really the money. Worrying about money is just a very effective pressuriser. And if you apply enough pressure then all my insides are squeezed out and I don't cope very well.

So what's my problem? I used to think my problem was that I was lost. Now I'm not so sure. I would be quite happy being lost if I wasn't alone.

I think my problem is that I am lonely. So lonely that if I stop to think about it in the middle of work I start crying and have to hide in the bathroom. Today at work tears were continually leaking out of my eyes. I should cry lots now so I don't have to cry all through tomorrow.

And to my lovely friends: before you invite me round to hang out I will say thank you, it is much appreciated but no. Friends are not enough, especially coupled-up friends.

The end. I'm not sure if that helped. I have set aside the weekend for "Sulking" and "Wallowing." I only hope I can hold it together until the end of the week.
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Wednesday, September 21, 2005

If you can't say anything nice...

I am torn. I am asking myself this:
Should I or should I not blog about all the stupid unimportant irrational things that are upsetting me.

Perhaps I should wait till I am not in such a shitty mood. Or perhaps it will fix my shitty mood.

I don't know.

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Monday, September 19, 2005


I am reminded of some of my favourite lyrics from one of my favourite bands.

Choices always were a problem for you.
What you need is someone strong to guide you.
Deaf and blind and dumb and born to follow,
what you need is someone strong to use you...
like me,
like me.

If you want to get your soul to heaven,
trust in me.
Don't judge or question.
You are broken now,
but faith can heal you.
Just do everything I tell you to do.
Deaf and blind and dumb and born to follow.
Let me lay my holy hand upon you.

Read the rest here.
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Flying Carpets and Binary Star Systems

Has anyone been to Sacramento International Airport? They have a very cool carpet/art/aerial photo thing. If I had to have carpet I'd want art carpet. Anyway there are photos here. I'm sorry I can't remember which GIS blog I found this on. For some reason the number of GIS blogs seems to have grown exponentially in the past few months. I am currently subscribed to 82...and that's not including my GIS news feeds!

Then I found out from physorg.com that some researchers at the Binary Research Institute think the Earth might be a part of a binary star system. I don't know enough about astronomy to know how likely this is, but I love the idea! Archaeoastronomy is SO my thing! Here is an excerpt from the news item:
The ground-breaking and richly illustrated new book, Lost Star of Myth and Time, marries modern astronomical theory with ancient star lore to make a compelling case for the profound influence on our planet of a companion star to the sun. Author and theorist, Walter Cruttenden, presents the evidence that this binary orbit relationship may be the cause of a vast cycle causing the Dark and Golden Ages common in the lore of ancient cultures.

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I Should've Bet Money

The election was funny. And it was good because I won a lunch. I should've bet money. Oh well, hidesight eh?

I bet that ACT would remain in Parliament.

It was one of those things I was positive about - not because of any political analysis or paying attention to the campaigns/news/country. It was just one of those very strong feelings I sometimes get. And there was a convenient friend aghast at my cruelty and selfishness in being a potential ACT voter and at my stupidity for thinking about wasting my vote on ACT (because apparently there was no way they would either pass the 5% threshold or win Epsom). So a friendly bet seemed like the ideal solution to my irritation.

If I had realised that everyone else thought ACT was doomed then I would've bet real money on it. I didn't realise anything of the sort because I have a relatively media free life, which led to a relatively media free election.

Here are some statistics for my media-starved lead up to the election (from about March this year which is when I realised there was going to be an election):

Number of pamphlets received: 0
Number of pamplets read: 2 The John Keys pamphlet and the Exclusive Brethren pamphlet (and that was only because I read Zen's blog).
Number of television ads seen: 1/2 I saw half of the one with the children with big eyes. It was offensive so I turned it off before I could figure out which party it belonged to.
Number of debates/ political tv programmes seen: 0
Number of political news items seen: 0
Number of political emails received: 0
Number of phone calls received: 0
Number of politicians seen in real life: 0
No door knocking or anything. Disappointing. That's what I miss about the suburbs...no Seventh Day Adventists (?) trying to convert me.
Number of billboards seen: Numerous. Too many to count. Mostly the amusing online piss-takes though.
Number of ACT buses seen: 2 I hate that bus (or whatever it is) but I only saw it after I made my bet.

I did visit the party websites and keep track of some of the political blogs. And I did lots of political spectrum type quizzes. That's about it though. I guess that's why I didn't get why a few friends hated Don Brash's personality so much that they wouldn't even consider voting for National.

Oh and I skimmed the news headlines every few days.

PS I am accepting donations of political propaganda (ie pamphlets) for a project.

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Sunday, September 18, 2005

Dear Universe

I want more money. Please help.

I did a little budget. I hate being stuck in my current income bracket. It is a VERY stuck feeling. I earn too much to get any sort of assistance/money back from the government. I earn too little to ever get anywhere. Being single makes it harder and it's not just the living costs, not having a boyfriend makes my social life significantly more expensive. Maybe I should cut out my social life altogether. Maybe I should uninsure my health and contents. Maybe I should live on 2-minute noodles.

My calculations show I can pay back my debt at $40/month, which will take the rest of my life. This is being relatively frugal: I don't go on holidays, I don't get dvds or go to the movies, I can't afford to go to the optometrist/dentist and I probably should, I rarely buy things, I don't have a car which makes life difficult sometimes, I very rarely go to restaurants/bars, etc... It is too depressing! Especially as I also get the joys of being in a high stress, take-your-work-home job where I work evenings and weekends when necessary.

Quite obviously the solution is to:
a) earn a lot less
OR b) earn a lot more (earning just a little bit more isn't really worth it)
OR c) get given money/resources (eg rich husband, lotto, etc)
OR d) the other option, which I won't blog

So I am contemplating these things:
1) get a student loan and spend the rest of my life being a student. I think art school for the next 3 years would be quite cool. Then after that I can study all those things that I've always wanted to study, like ancient history and philosophy.
2) get a student loan and spend it on fun things that make me feel better
3) get a job overseas
4) become an "artist" and get one of those artist benefit things
5) become unemployed/sick and do part-time work under the table
6) get a better paying job
7) things related to option d)

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I had a strange thought about politics

Here is an interesting (and possibly totally wrong) thought I had last night.

You know how there is/was that theory about the gender intelligence split where the males have a higher representation at both ends of the spectrum(genius, idiots) and females tend to be clustered more in the middle ie there are fewer female geniuses, but on the other hand there are fewer female idiots.

Anyway, that's what (my perception of) the left/right thing in politics reminds me of.

The left want a society with a bell curve like the bellcurve of female IQs. Everyone the same. No one suffering, but no one over-achieving either (cause that's not fair is it?). Nice. PC. Sugar and Spice and Kittens with Ribbons.

The right want a society with a bell curve like the bell curve of male IQs. Greater differences between people. The Haves and The Have Nots. Selfish. Money hungry. Lions and Tigers.

The unfortunate thing is that some people are better suited to being looked after, secure, not over-achieving and being the same as everyone else, whereas other people are stifled by that and need the opportunity to succeed and fail spectacularly. I think some "Poor People" need to be looked after forever because they wouldn't cope with fending for themselves, whereas other "Poor People" are deadened and wasted by being smothered and would only reach their potential if they are left to fend for themselves.

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Friday, September 16, 2005

It's Lonely Here

It has just dawned on me. I don't belong in this country and it is quite likely I don't belong on this planet. It is very depressing!

Today I had lunch with Bob and we discussed politics, or to be more accurate I asked Bob questions and he explained his viewpoint. Bob is a staunch, no question about it Labour supporter. Unlike all my other Labour supporter friends, who are creative types, Bob is more business-like.

Bob believes that people can't be trusted to make the right decisions and that ideally there would be a benevolent monarch with a vision in charge of our country. Bob didn't say it, but I suspect that he meant that the benevolent monarch's vision should coincide with Bob's vision.

Bob and I agree that getting rid of absolute poverty is a good thing. But we disagree on the relative poverty thing. Bob thinks that relative poverty is a bad thing.

Anyway I realised that most people want to remain asleep and not have to take responsibility and make decisions, or they are like Bob they want to ensure that everyone conforms. Maybe they are right. Maybe that's what everyone wants, in which case I need to emigrate to Mars or the South of France.

It is lonely because I don't know anyone who has the same outlook on life that I do. My friends who are not Labour/Green supporters (ummm...lets see are there any?...oh, yes there might be one) disagree strongly with my views on everything else (eg personal freedoms and relationships and spirtuality etc).

Now most of the time I don't mind being different or being seen as eccentric. In fact people think I am eccentric even when I am trying to be normal. I am sure most people don't realise that most of the time I am holding some part of myself back in order to make life run smoothly and not offend. I am used to it. I understand people. The other Bob thinks I am socially inept because I don't know how to fit in. He is wrong. I know exactly how to fit in but choose not to because I don't want to pretend that much and I don't like the idea of manipulating people.

But some days it all gets too difficult and depressing and I realise just how lonely I am. What I wouldn't give for someone who really understands me.
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Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Marriage. Civil Unions. Sex. Why do people care?

I have stumbled on the Maxim Institute website. What a fascinating place!

Anyway, they are supporting the Marriage (Gender Clarification) Amendment Bill which they say will do these things:

  1. It specifies that a marriage can only be between one man and one woman, and provides that 'marriage' between people of the same sex is prohibited.
  2. It specifies that same-sex 'marriages' registered in foreign countries are not recognised as marriages in New Zealand.
  3. It amends the Bill of Rights Act 1990 to ensure that measures intended to promote or advance marriage (for example pre-marriage counselling) are not considered discriminatory.
(Background: last year the NZ government passed the Civil Union Act which establishes a parallel form of marriage and is available to same-sex couples.)

The thing I don't understand is why people are so opposed to the idea of same-sex couples marrying. I also don't understand why any-sex couples would care whether they were officially "married" or "unioned."

I think my lack of understanding is partly due to my thinking that marriage is just a piece of paper (albeit sometimes a very convenient and useful piece of paper) , mostly due to my religious beliefs (or lack of), and maybe an eensy weensy bit due to my continual lack of a marriagable/unionable partner.

Yes, I know marriage matters to many people. I think a lot of it is fear based.

Actually, let me change my mind. I think I do understand both sides, but I think the whole debate is ummm...I was going to say stupid, but I don't think it is that... lets just say that the whole issue doesn't exist in my Universe. I think marriage (and now civil unions) is just one of those social scripts that make the trickiest part of life (ie relationships) easier.

Actually, let me change my mind again. Most people are crap at relationships. Maybe marriage is a good idea until they get better at life. But that still doesn't mean
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and more political blogs...

this is a very interesting place too. Especially the comments.

There. I feel more balanced now. Much better!

And it is looking like I will not need to consult the tarot on Saturday. Sometime over the past week I noticed that I know who I am going to vote for. I like it when things become clear with no conscious thought and the answer is just there. My subconscious must have been hard at work.

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Delicious Links: Digging Holes, Looking at the Sky, and Google God Stories

My favourite google maps application so far: If I dig a very deep hole where does it stop? For some reason I found it very very amusing and it kept me entertained for at least 5 minutes.

Photographs of the Sky
- exactly what it says. I have subscribed to this. Looking at pictures of the sky makes me feel better when I am at work.

The Nine Billion Names of God - a short story. Google god.

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hello fellow voters

Sir Humphreys has lots of interesting posts/comments/opinions/information relevant to the election. Some of it is even in summary form...woohooo!!!!

As with everything, add salt to taste.

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Monday, September 12, 2005

Blog List Update Delayed by Astrological Analysis

I keep meaning to update my blog list. I don't read half the blogs listed anymore and I have found a few cool new ones. But it will have to wait. I have some new astrology books to read and some charts to analyse. Astrology is one of my absolute favourite things to do.

By the way, you are most welcome to try and convince me that astrology is a load of rubbish. I will listen and I might even agree with you, but it still won't change the fact that when I have a new astrology book I can't wait to get home and spend all weekend reading it in peace and quiet. The mere thought makes me smile and feel all bubbly inside.

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Witchy Things


The tincanman pointed out a cool new witchy blog.

I like witchy things but I tend to get distracted. For example the photo is from an intended witchy evening. I got as far as painting myself, then I decided I needed a photo to record my artwork. This was a silly thing to do. I should know by now that mirrors and cameras are a MAJOR DISTRACTION for me. I spent the rest of the evening (at least an hour) in front of the mirror photographing myself. It was very entertaining. There's a word for that I'm sure...

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Sunday, September 11, 2005

My Ears Hurt

Thanks to that one screechy keyboard chord from Ghostplane. Ouch!

I really liked Ghostplane. Hot!
They had variety and instrument swapping. I would pay go see them again.

The bass player had a TU-2 and a Prunes & Custard. My ideal set-up. It was funny watching the guitarist borrow the tuner before they started. It brought back memories... Elephant.

I quite liked Mestar too. Especially the bass player.

Anyway...I am very glad I stayed around for the bands tonight. I almost left early.

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Saturday, September 10, 2005

My Cyborg Name

This from The Cyborg Name Generator (via del.icio.us)

Synthetic Unit Zoned for Exploration

S.U.Z.A.N.N.E.: Synthetic Upgraded Zombie Assembled for Nocturnal Nullification and Exploration

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Friday, September 09, 2005

The Opposite of Loneliness

"The opposite of loneliness, it's not togetherness. It is intimacy." Richard Bach.

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Thursday, September 08, 2005

Where are my pamphlets?

It's getting quite close to the election. Just over a week. Yet I still haven't received any political junk mail!!!

It is very disappointing. Suburban friends have been happily defacing political pamphlets for weeks now. I want to know where mine are. How am I supposed to decide who to vote for without pamphlets?

Anyway today I received my voting pack which is good cause it has a list of the candidates for my electorate. It is quite surprising that there are so many candidates I haven't even heard of. There is a candidate called Petronella. That is an interesting name, maybe I will vote for her...

On a similar topic...I haven't seen any ads on tv either...which may be just as well.

Anyway the exciting news is that I have chosen my voting location: the High Court. Maybe we should have a pre or post voting celebratory drink.

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Random Boring Things

I am tired. Too tired to write anything interesting. It is a good tired though - I think it is just a way of recovering from recent intense and emotionally draining events. It is nice not having to do anything (except work) this week.

I have my bass rig back. As soon as I feel not tired I will get my bass out and play something.

Hymn for Her is on continual repeat at work.

As for politics and the election. I'm just not that interested. Although I do think it is interesting that a lot of the people I talk to who would usually vote Labour are becoming less and less impressed with Labour and more and more likely to vote for someone else. It is particularly interesting because many of these people stand to benefit from Labour policies.

I don't usually express my political opinion to people. I save that for this blog and those few who genuinely ask. To date only two people who asked my opinion on politics and who I was voting for and why. Both of them are traditional Labour voters. I told them my very unclear and vague thoughts and I am quite surprised that they seem to have shifted from definitely Labour to other/Act as a result. It is not like I was trying to get them to change, especially because I am not convinced myself.

Oh and the Labour website has changed for the worse, while the Act website has changed for the better.
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Monday, September 05, 2005

death (the socially acceptable version + callous postscript)

Recently there have been several deaths within my extended social circle (eg relatives of friends of friends) and of course there has been the Katrina tragedy. It has been a sad time. Why? Why did these people have to die? If only they had stayed alive a little longer.

Usually people do not think about death, but when it is forced into focus it makes you appreciate what you have. It makes you appreciate your family and friends. It makes you appreciate life.

Funerals are a time for saying goodbye, for letting go, for paying your last respects, for showing the deceased just how much you loved them.

Death is a sobering event. Especially the death of someone close to you and especially when it unexpected.

So how did that sound? Better? Did it sound sincere? I don't particularly mean any of the above. I don't disagree with anything I have written either, but it doesn't resonate with me at all. They are other people's words and feelings. My thoughts on death are probably closer to the first death post. I know that they seem inappropriate, callous, selfish and uncaring.
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Sunday, September 04, 2005


People keep dying. It is to be expected. I wonder why everyone acts so surprised.

It's been a death year. Recently there have been several deaths. And I am expecting several more. Mostly related to friends. Only one related directly to me. And both me and my brother came very very close to dying (in completely separate events) earlier this year. I kind of like that I almost died. Is that weird?

I hate funerals. Mostly because I feel like I have to act in a certain way (ie pretend to be sad, go along with all the silly traditions and ideally cry lots) so that other people feel better. I certainly don't seem to react to death like other people do. I don't get upset about the dead person. I don't cry. I get upset for me having to deal with the funeral stress (selfish I know) and for all the upset alive people.

The closer I am to the dead person the more difficult it is because there are greater expectations of me. It is very stressful not being myself, especially when there are lots of upset people around. Maybe it's because I have a tendency to take on other people's emotions.

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Saturday, September 03, 2005

Hymn For Her

So Bob sends me the lyrics to his new favourite song: Hymn for Her by The Magic Numbers.
Oh my lover won't you get away?
Love or loathe, I need to feel again
It won't hurt to find love in the wrong place
I've been hurt before, but all the scars have rearranged
It won't hurt to choose the path that we all walk along
A beautiful song. Interesting lyrics. They could mean anything. I like lyrics like that.

And I am thinking...isn't love often found in the "wrong place"? But the "wrong place" is always the best place because isn't love just a way to force you onto the right path? If you find love somewhere, then it is so not the wrong place.

That's my current thought anyway...

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Friday, September 02, 2005

Quiz: The Classic Dames Test

Barbara Stanwyck
You scored 35% grit, 9% wit, 38% flair, and 23% class!

You're a tough dame, a bit of a spitfire, and you can even be a little
dangerous, but you do it with such flair that almost all is forgiven
(and even when it's not, you're still the most interesting woman in the
room). You can be witty and charming, all right, but you have a tough
streak that keeps you focused and sometimes deadly. You've had quite a
climb to get where you are, but you're a hard worker and you mostly
deserve all you get...and then some. You might end up destroying
everything around you, but you must admit...you've got style. Your
leading men include Henry Fonda, Fred MacMurray, and when you forget
yourself, Gary Cooper.

Find out what kind of classic leading man you'd make by taking the
Classic Leading Man Test.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 76% on grit
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 0% on wit
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 66% on flair
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 42% on class
Link: The Classic Dames Test written by gidgetgoes on Ok Cupid

Found at Chaos Theory and Make Tea Not War and Zen State. 3 is the magic number today.

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Delicious links for today

My new favourite webthing is PocketMod. You can create your own disposable pocket calendar/book thing online then print it out and fold it. It is EXACTLY what I have always wanted. Writing notes on scraps of paper is how I organise my life. This way I get to write notes on nicely lined/gridded pieces of paper that fold into little books. I love technological advances that help you do things the old non-tech way. Hot!

LibraryThing looks like it might be useful. You can catalog your books online. Hmmm...procrastination....which reminds me I must get my astrology books back from Phoenix.

Instructables gives you step-by-step instructions on how to make things other people have made. Sounds like another good procrastination tool. Elephant.

Oh...and has anyone used Qoop?

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Thursday, September 01, 2005

Back Again

I have survived almost a week with no internet access. It was both easier and harder than I thought it would be. It made me realise just how much I rely on the interweb for important things like: commmunication, shopping, organisng/booking things, finding information/maps.

It was VERY frustrating and time consuming trying to do things like choose/book hotels/rental cars etc without the internet.

Anyway...it has been an interesting week. I have lots I could blog about. I'm not sure if I will though.

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