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Thursday, December 29, 2005

I don't want to be Good

The tincanman's Good and Evil post is interesting. So is the test.

Anyway, I am Neutral Good. I really wanted to be either Chaotic Neutral, although I would also have been happy with Chaotic Evil or Neutral Evil or Pure Neutral.
Neutral Good
"Pure Good" "Benefactor"

Often goes along with the laws and desires of the group as being the easiest course of action, but ethical considerations clearly have top priority. May pursue quite abstract goals. Often aloof and difficult to understand.

Will keep their word to others of good alignment
Would not attack an unarmed foe
Will not use poison
Will help those in need
May work with others
Indifferent to higher authority
Indifferent to organizations

A neutral good [person] will obey the law, or break it when he or she sees it will serve a greater good. He or she is not bound strongly to a social system or order. His or her need to help others and reduce their suffering may take precedence over all else. Neutral good [people] do good for goodness' sake, not because they are directed to by law or by whim.

This alignment desires good without bias for or against order.

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Wind Creating

It is the dark of the moon. And a new moon on new years eve. A black moon. A perfect time for eerily clear and precise tarot readings that tell you things you'd rather not know.

I drew this card today. Spookily accurate; and talking to the me that VERY few people know. I think this is exactly what Bob has been trying to tell me. It is rather irritating that Bob can see all this stuff.

"Wind Creating takes flight on the back of a huge albatross - a symbol of the strength in aloneness. She leaves the known cliffs behind; these craggy precipices have perhaps become more of a prison than a protective buttress."

"For a person who has become lost in unfulfilling relationships, Wind Creating heralds a time of breaking free from emotionally driven choices. You may need to physically remove yourself from a situation in order to gain a more farsighted perspective about the choices you have. Wind Creating depicts a gap which often exists between the end of one phase and the beginning of the next, and it may be a painful time of breaking with the past while not knowing what the future holds."

"People close to you may be dismayed on seeing attributes and longings you have which have been hidden before now. At this time you irrepressiblly put your needs ahead of other considerations and may make what appears to be sudden, rash and irrevocable changes - in career, in living situations, in creative endeavours."

"It is time to take a dream and make it come true. You no longer desert your own longings by harnessing yourself to anybody else who looks like they may have a good idea. Instead you focus your intelligence on discovering which avenues are right for you."

"Wind Creating comes to love long periods of isolation and finds too many demands upon her become claustrophobic. Her ideal partners and friends are very individual characters with a high degree of self-reliance and independence. In this unrestrictive company she is a witty, entertaining and intelligent presence."
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Tuesday, December 27, 2005

delicious links


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I spent all day yesterday in bed reading Pandora's Star and ignoring the mess in my apartment. Bliss! I haven't quite finished, so I giuess that I will have to spend all today reading as well. I am sick of bed though, so I think the park might be a good idea.
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Saturday, December 24, 2005

Animal Totems/Guides ???

This is a longshot but does anyyone know anything about animal totems /animal guides?
I have spent several hours on the interweb and all morning in Pathfinder ... and haven't found any useful info.

UPDATE: adding the word "shaman" to my google searches improved things dramatically (eg animal totem shaman ) Thanks Phoenix! It's annoying, how you need to know the right questions (and vocabularly) to get the right answers.
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Thursday, December 22, 2005

truth, art and politics

I keep coming across references to Harold Pinter's Nobel acceptance speech...the latest at Cheezys blog (Christmas means porn? I never knew....).

I can never quite tell whether the people/blogs referring me to the speech agree with it or disagree with it. The way they refer to it it seems to me that it seems to be blindingly obvious to them and ought to be blindingly obvous to anyone reasonable and intelligent.

I have read the speech. I am unruffled. I don't really understand what the fuss is about.

My summary of Pinter's speech (complete with generalisations, misunderstandings and mistakes). Please fell free to correct:
  • Artists search for "the truth."
  • Truth is multilayered and elusive (referencing art)
  • Politicans lie because they want power and the poor little people are so helpless and sheeplike that they believe the politicans lies.
  • Bad politicians, bad.
  • There is only one truth, only one right answer (referencing politics ~ I *think* Pinter's "right" answer may the death minimisation one).
  • Blah blah blah ...war...United States...death...blah blah blah (I suppose it IS a peace prize. I suppose he HAD to talk about war.)
  • Bad United States.

  • Or something like that. I got a little bored so I skipped and skimmed parts.

    My interpretation of Pinter's point is that there are or ought to be different standards for truth depending on the context. In art truth is a grey area. There are multiple, elusive truths that the artists and observors are searching for and creating. That is good. That is art. In politics truth is or ought to be black and white. It determines right and wrong and behaviour. When it comes to war and people's lives, good citizens should demand the one true truth. (hahaha!!! it makes me laugh!)

    Of course, I disagree with the whole thing (ignoring the war parts which bore me).

    Continue reading...

    Lists of Things

    Old Favourite TV Programs
    (a good thing I remembered these as my scifi viewing goals are nearly achieved - only 1 more BSG dvd to go)

    1. Logans Run
    - the movie is flitting its way towards me at this very moment. I have found a friend to watch it with. This is best as it means that we can drink and commiserate if it does not turn out to be all that we think it is. Disappointment is easier to swallow in company, especially drunken company.
    2. The Man From Atlantis
    3. Land of The Lost
    4. Monkey

    Martial Arts to Investigate
    1. Tai Chi
    2. Caipoeira
    3. Aikido
    4. Boxing
    5. Kick Boxing
    6. Kung Fu
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    I've got a hunger twisting my stomach into knots.

    band: death cab for cutie
    album: Plans

    I say: melancholy. beautiful. words and melodies that divine the tears inside. silent streams. salty cheeks.

    says: bittersweet. quirky. poignant. wry.
    Continue reading...

    Wednesday, December 21, 2005

    delicious links to cheer me up

    In order of importance:
    1. Pi trainer: I am up to 14159
    2. Write your name in Elvish
    3. Insultingly Stupid Movie Physics
    4. Modern Drunkard Magazine
    5. QuickrFlickr
    6. First Man in Space video
    7. bmindful - free positive affirmations web service
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    to buy or not to buy...

    "In the world before Monkey, primal chaos reigned. Heaven sought order, but the phoenix can fly only when it's feathers are grown. The four worlds formed again and yet again, as endless aeons wheeled and passed. Time and the pure essences of Heaven all worked upon a certain rock, old as creation. It became magically fertile. The first egg was named "Thought". Tathagata Buddha, the Father Buddha said "With our thoughts, we make the world". Elemental forces caused the egg to hatch. From it came a stone monkey."

    I was pre-ordering my Serenity dvd (yay!) and I came across the complete series of Monkey in a box set of 16 dvds!!! Does anyone know what I am talking about? Probably not. It might be like the Logan's Run thing.

    I loved Monkey. Although, looking back it was a strange thing for a 12 year old to watch.

    I should buy it. It is not cheap, but I should buy it.

    I can have a Monkey party and hire a projector and try to find people who know about Monkey to attend. It might be another one of those parties where it is just me. Does anyone remember the Lost Angel cafe on K'Rd? They used to play Monkey. That was a cool cafe... it was my favourite. I'm so sad it is gone.
    Continue reading...

    Tuesday, December 20, 2005

    I don;t think I am socially anxious, but I could be wrong...

    I don't think I have social anxiety disorder. I have done several internet tests. The last one I got 14%. Very low. Not indicative of social anxiety.

    There was a very amusing question:
    "Has your anxiety about certain social situations interfered with your functioning at work or school?"
    Hahaha! No...but my anxiety about work and school has interfered with the functioning of my social life. Does that count?

    From the nature of the questions and descriptions of social anxiety it seems that social anxiety is a fear based disorder. I don't think it is what is wrong with me. Whatever is wrong with me must be something else. I don't think "whatever is wrong with me" has to do with fear of other people. "Stream-of-consciousness" style reasoning below.

    I don't get embarrassed easily. I don't care if I make a mistake in front of people. Basically I don't care what other people think of me.

    I don't fear social events....I do worry about them ahead of time, but I don't think it is fear. I worry because I want to act in a certain way, be a different person. I worry I might waste a party being tired. I worry I might not have fun. I worry I might miss out. Again.

    I don't fear meeting new people...I want to meet new people. I do worry that the people I meet be dull. I worry that there is something wrong with me because I never click with people. It is frustrating. If there is any fear it is that I will be alone for the rest of my life (I don't care about being alone in a social situation). If there is fear of social situations it is a fear that the situation will add further weight to the possibility that I will never meet anyone that I click with or that I won't have as much fun as I would like. It is all very me-focused. I think I might be too antisocial to have social anxiety. Does that make sense? Probably not.

    I don't get nervous about those things where you go around in a circle and introduce yourself. They are a piece of cake. No butterflies at all. I barely get nervous about live performances...and then it is just a useful adrenaline rush and I LOVE performing in front of people (although I usually get shaking/spaced-out symptoms after a performance). I have no problem being the centre of attention and most of the time I like it, although I never seek it out. I'd prefer not to speak in public ever again, but I can do a reasonable job if I have to. I get tongue tied when talking to strangers, but it is not something I worry about...most people aren't really listening anyway. I always avoid speaking in groups but that is not out of fear it is because I have nothing to say and/or people ignore me and/or my brain does not work in groups.

    I do get physical symptoms (shaking/trembling, spacing-out) in many social siuations. I have also had panic attacks of sorts, but they have never been about a social situation.
    I don't try and avoid social situations that cause me anxiety - on the contrary I tend to accept most invitations.
    I often drink to make the situation easier to handle, but I suspect most people do. Also the drinking does not actually seem to make much difference. I am very similar when I am sober and when I am drunk.

    Of course there is always the possibilty I have no idea what I am talking about and that I am misleading myself about everything. If you think that is the case, please tell me. I may not believe you, but I will listen.
    Continue reading...

    Windows Live Local Playtime

    I wasn't impressed with Google Earth. Basically because it was nothing new and I had to download stuff.

    But I am enchanted with Windows Live Local. Specifically the Birds Eye view.

    Unfortunately very very little of the Earth is covered by the Birds Eye view at the moment, but if you go somewhere like New York and zoom in and turn on the Birds Eye view and zoom in some more and twiddle with the compass orientation device thingy and stick a pin in the map and make some notes and email a friend....well it is quite entertaining in a its-nearly-christmas-im-still-at-work-what-shall-I-do kind of way.
    Continue reading...

    black panther goddess

    I should be asleep, but there is a black panther here with me. She is staring at me. I think she woke me up. So here I am seeing what she wants...
    Continue reading...

    Monday, December 19, 2005

    Kabalarian Name Analysis

    I know I know ... but this name analysis is surprisingly seemingly accurate.

    "an idealistic nature with a desire to help others. Your initiative often causes you to be the first to act when you see a need. Since you are impressionable and receptive, you feel the misfortunes of others very keenly. However, this name makes it awkward for you to express your deeper thoughts and feelings with finesse and diplomacy to the extent that your candid, sometimes blunt, manner of speaking creates misunderstandings with others. Being somewhat self-centred, you learn through your own experiences, as you rarely take advice from others. Yet, you are sensitive and very easily hurt and offended. You long for praise and appreciation for your efforts, but others find it difficult to understand you."
    Continue reading...

    Which Martial Art?

    OK. I'm back. I realised that dancing around to Songs For the Deaf is not really "kickboxing". It was good for getting rid of some of my scratchiness, but not all that good for getting rid of irritation and frustration or for channeling my vicious intent (ie focused energy). So I am thinking I can either cast spells or consider a martial art. Or both.

    If I wanted to do it, the spell thing is sorted.

    The martial art thing is more difficult. What to do? I want something where I don't have to actually fight anyone, something dancelike, something requiring flexibilty, balance and grace. Ideally there'd be music. Ideally I could practice by myself. Capoeira would be good if it wasn't so gymnastic like and if it didn't require group particpation.

    Maybe I will have to make up my own practice. Maybe I can combine it with spells and the QOTSA.
    Continue reading...

    stupid penguins

    I feel all irritated and scratchy I think I am going to go try kick boxing.

    Why doesn't the universe work for me? It seems that certain people get all the luck.
    Continue reading...

    Sunday, December 18, 2005

    party pooper

    I hate my brain/personality.

    Recently I have been ignoring the tarot and my intuition in order to go to parties and socialise. Why? Well, first of all I love parties and being sociable and having fun. Secondly, I can't very well complain about being alone/lonely/friendless and then decline invitations to things where I can meet new people. That would be stupid, and unfortunately I'm not stupid yet.

    So, what's the problem?
    You know how I said that I love parties and being sociable and having fun? Well. Most people I know would laugh at that statement - i'm sure they think I am a shy loner who doesn't like people. Most of the time when I go to parties I can't do the sociable/having fun thing. Even though I really really want to. Even though I know how and have done it previously.

    It is so frustrating that most of the time I end up being antisocial and weird. I end up glued to the couch in the corner or hiding out in some spare room.

    The party on Friday was an extreme example. I think it was probably the best party I have been to all year. Great music, a wide variety of very friendly and interesting people, great costumes, great location. And I went with good friends. What more could I ask for?

    Well a different brain/personality would've been very nice. I didn't enjoy the party much at all. I spent most of 7+ hours glued to the couch freaking out and spacing out.

    The party was unusual in that I didn't drink any alcohol at all, but I don't think alcohol would've made any difference (apart from making other people more comfortable with me). In fact I learnt that alcohol does not really affect me - I learnt that most of my past "hangovers" have actually just been sleep deprivation.

    Freaking out and spacing out.
    Stupid brain. I won't go into the freaking out here - I was just very panicky over something that occured just before the party. I guess the freaking out may have contributed to the spacing out and to my antisocial behaviour...but it was not the only contributing factor.

    I don't know if you have ever spaced-out. It is a strange feeling - it is like I am turning my brain off/down or at least putting a huge filter on it. I usually have to sit down and I stare into the distance at nothing hoping no one will come and talk to me. I don't want people to talk to me because I have no energy left and talking to strangers uses up a huge amount of energy. Although I can sometimes manage to talk to friends, and there are a few people who are actually energising.

    I don't really know why I do it, I suspect it is because I have no energy left and it is just a means of surviving for an unknown length of time at a highly stimulating location. Maybe this is why I am so fussy about knowing how I am going to get home in advance. I usually have an escape route planned. As you may know I have been trying to change my personality and behaviour, so I ignored escape route planning for this party - I thought I'd just go with the flow and live in the moment. Which on reflection, was a very stupid thing to do.

    I can't control the spacing out. When I get to the spacing out stage then it is too late to fix - the only solution is to go home and sleep. I have been sleeping all weekend to make up for the party. I hate that. I hate that I wasted a great party being antisocial and I hate that I wasted the whole weekend sleeping and napping and it has only partially restored energy levels. I hate that I can't enjoy parties like I want to.

    I had a similar but not so bad spacing-out experience at my work Christmas party last weekend. I don't usually dance in front of people. Actually, I never dance in front of people. There's never been any good reason: I'm not shy, I don't get embarrassed, I love dancing...but I have always been unreasonably stubborn about it. I think I know why now. I danced at the Christmas Party. It was very fun, but it was also very tiring. Previously I had been relatively bubbly, but after the dancing I just shut down. I started spacing-out. Talking was a physical effort requiring energy I didn't have. It was so frustrating. There I was with cool people to talk to and lots of potential places to go and things to do, but I couldn't do anything. I didn't have the energy.

    I don't think people understand. When I complain about my life (as I frequently do) they tell me I need to work on my social skills and I need to talk to people and work on ym confidence and I need to do this and that. They seem to think I am just being silly and shy and scared and not trying to change. They don't seem to understand that I have been trying, but when I try and do those things my brain/body shuts down and if do this enough then I get sick. It feels like it is more a physical barrier than a mental one.

    Anyway, I guess it's not all that surprising that I come across as a boring, shy, stupid, weird party pooper who people avoid. I guess it's not surprising that I never meet anyone. I really really want a personality/brain transplant.
    Continue reading...

    Saturday, December 17, 2005


    I got around -25 for the brain sex test. Which means a female-ish brain. I am surprised, especially considering my finger ratio.

    Although I did the test when I was very very sleep deprived, which may not have been a good idea.

    There were a few annoying parts to the quiz:
    Apart from writing, I'm relatively ambi-dextrous - so I got stuck on the question about which thumb is on top of your clasped hands. I think I am only right-handed because of school. For things other than writing I don't usually have a preference. I like to swap the mouse at work too. It makes things feel "even."

    The word association thing. The first word was fine. The second word I only got two associated words. I am sure it is because of the word they chose. I don't like hte word they chose. I have issues around the word they chose. I'm sure if they had used the opposite word I would've gotten way more.

    Spatial Rotation
    I always find these questions amusing. I always do relatively well although I think I am crap. I have been wondering if other people figure out the answers the same way I do.

    My approach to the spatial rotation questions:
    Look at the shape, then look at the possible answers and use my intuition to pick the ones that are the same. For the easy questions the answer is just obvious. I can tell at a glance which shapes are the same - no thought required. For the harder ones where this doesn't work I sometimes try mentally rotating the shape. I can do this on the medium-difficult shapes, but on the really difficult shapes I give up on the brain hurting mental rotation and go back to the intuition thing cause it is easier and I am lazy.
    Continue reading...

    Neurotic Outsiders

    Although I think Neurotic Tendencies would be a good name for a band too.
    Continue reading...

    Friday, December 16, 2005

    temporary death post to answer some of the comments cause I don't have time to write a properly thought out post today

    One of my problems with the death penalty is: Where do you draw the line? When is killing someone justified and the right thing to do?

    Is it OK to kill in self defense when someone is trying to abuse/rape you? If I did kill somone who attacked me, would you say I should be punished accordingly and killed? After all s/he has lost their life even though they may not have been actually trying to kill me.

    And what about killing someone who has just abused/raped you a few minutes ago? Is that a good enough reason for killing them? What if the abuse/rape happened a few days ago? Still justified?

    OK...murdering someone who abused/raped you 20 years ago? murdering someone who abused/raped you 20 years ago but who unbeknownst to you has had extensive counselling? murdering someone who abused/raped you 20 years ago but you now know that they were abused and raped as a child and they have had counselling and found god/jesus has completely repented and are doing many good works in the community and everyone knows all of this?

    The problem with line drawing is that different people draw different lines all over the place. None of them are wrong, just different.
    Continue reading...

    Thursday, December 15, 2005

    Christmas Caving

    No not that caving.

    I mean the caving in of resolutions to myself. I had resolved to sulk and hibernate all holidays and to do absolutely no christmas celebrating or family or friend visitng or gift buying (apart from passionfruit vodka for myself so I can make and drink passionfruit caprioskas). I was looking forward to it in a pity party kind of way.

    Well, today I partially caved. I bought my brother and sister gifts. I am quite excited about the rather retro gifts..if they don't want them then I will quite happily keep them for me.

    I bought a Swing Ball set and Connect Four. They have to share and I am sure there will be arguments, but that's what life's about isn't it?

    BTW I am the Queen of Connect Four. I can absolutely thrash Bob at the game. Drunken or sober, it doesn't matter. It's extra funny cause he is a very very bright boy and he is supposed to be better than me at these sorts of things. I think he will never play me at Connect Four again. Hahaha!
    Continue reading...

    Death Penalty

    There is a poll at Sir Humphreys about the death penalty. You can vote as many times as you like (although I suspect they might be counting how many times you vote, and if they aren't then they ought to be).

    There seem to be quite a lot of pro death penalty votes. I wonder if they're real. What would make someone favour the death penalty? I don't think revenge is a good reason to kill someone - but that is what the death penalty seems like to me.

    I also wonder if people who are pro the death penalty are also pro voluntary euthanasia and do they also think "why the hell is suicide illegal?"

    For the record, today I am against the death penalty and for voluntary death of all persuasions.
    Continue reading...

    Wednesday, December 14, 2005

    Alexander Technique Tips

    It is workstation assessment time at work. Apparently I have bad posture and mouse habits - which I guess is true. Although, in my defence I don't sit in the one bad position all day...I have 10-12 bad sitting positions that I switch between. I also don't do any exercise, which is apparently also bad.

    All this assessment made me feel very guilty. So instead of going for a run, I decided to google the Alexander Technique. Amongst other things I came across some very cool tips here. They are not all exercisey/posture things. Here are a few of my favourites:
    1. Stop living in front of yourself. Almost everything we do is in front of us. Become aware of the large mass behind yourself which is your back.

    18. Think a smile. Don’t do it, just think it and notice what happens.

    19. See if you can think your body smiling too.

    43. Envisage your life-style as being in a groove, not a rut.

    45. Experiment with the idea of doing things differently. If you generally sit with your right leg crossed over your left, cross your left over your right. If you generally cross your arms one way do it the other and notice how different it feels.

    46. Practice overriding automatic responses. When the phone rings, say ‘no’ to rushing to answer it.

    48. Think of breathing in and out through the top of your head. See if that changes the way you usually hold your head.

    50. Start treating yourself as a human being not a human ‘doing’.

    Continue reading...

    Tuesday, December 13, 2005

    Useful Tarot Spread; Depressing Tarot Reading

    I found this 2-card prioritising spread here.

    It looks to be one of the more useful spreads. The first card is "I will do this now." The second card is "I will accomplish this later."

    My reading:
    Now: The Hermit: Solitude
    Solitude, Introspection, Wisdom, Stillness, Contemplation, Meditation, Peace, Connecting with one's Source

    Later: 6 Cups: Innocence
    Innocence, Contentment, Happiness, Goodness, Nostalgia, Simplicity, Charity, Expectancy, Unconditional love, Childhood, Childbirth, Playfulnesss

    Which is not what I wanted to hear. I don't want to be alone now. I want to be happy now. The only good thing is that the reading is consistent with everything else in saying my life sucks, so get used to it.
    Continue reading...

    melt me

    Today the maximum temperature at my desk was 31.3 degrees. The minimum temperature was 26 degrees and it seemed to hover around 29-30 most of the day. It is only going to get hotter.

    So, if I'm grumpy that is one of many reasons.

    Another of the reasons for my bad mood is that I wanted to have Melt pizza for dinner, but the CBD branch has closed. I am too tired and hot to think about dinner so I will end up eating junk food, which is bad. Maybe I'll just have cocktails for dinner - they have less calories, and they are both cooling and mood-altering. If I drink cocktails while watching Battlestar Galactica surely I'll feel better?
    Continue reading...

    Monday, December 12, 2005


    The tarot has now surpassed Bob in irritatingness.

    Today I asked "What is wrong with me?" I'm surprised I haven't thought to ask the tarot that particular question before.

    Anwyay, I ask the tarot, and what card do I get for my current situation? Death (transformation). The associated advce is this:

    "Let go and make the adjustments required for dealing with a new set of circumstances. Face the road ahead with a courageous willingness to respond to transformational energies without any resistance to what you are facing."

    You see how annoying it is? So I asked the same question again in a different way:

    Body: Prince of Cups
    The Knight of Cups (in some decks, a Prince) in this position suggests that it is your natural inheritance to be a pioneer. You actually strive for experiences that others only wonder about. Then you return from the front and describe new horizons of consciousness and understanding

    Fair enough. There doesn't sound like there is anything wrong with that. Next.

    Mind/Feelings: Three of Swords
    When the Three of Swords is in this position, elements are in opposition and tearing you apart. Although a heartbreak is classically associated with this card, its applicability is not restricted to romantic situations -- it can be about a close friendship or a family member -- any relationship where a serious conflict could have significant emotional consequences. This card implies a fifty-fifty chance of mending the conflict, but it does carry a sense of tragedy or impending pain.

    "tragedy and impending pain"?! Great. Thanks. I look forward to it.

    Spirit: The Devil
    Embrace the hidden aspects of yourself. Express your passionate nature.
    The Devil card in this position advises you to be as authentically whole as possible. Explore what you truly feel, what your real needs are, what you can't live with any longer. Expressing these hidden aspects of you may shock and upset some people, but it is much healthier than continually holding yourself in or confining yourself to limited territory.
    Your instinctive energy is searching for a way to express itself. If you can unravel the inner knots that are holding you back, you will be better able to enjoy the pleasures of life and charismatically fulfill your destiny. Your Higher Power wants you to shed your bindings and return to your natural state. Remove the camouflage and the armor of denial. Allow your true nature to reveal and express itself, with a sense of humor.

    OK OK...untie knots blah blah blah... But how do I do that if I don't know what is wrong with me?!!!
    Continue reading...

    More marriage stuff

    For those of you that don't read the comments, the always interesting Lucyna provided a link to a collection of articles relevant to the "marriage" debate. The "A Culture of Inverted Sexuality" article is particularly interesting.

    I have read a few of the articles and they are intelligently written and thought provokingI think they would sway a lot of people. They didn't manage to sway me however...I disagreed with almost all the conclusions drawn. I suspect that is because of my unusual world view though.

    Anyway, if you are open-minded and interested in the gay marriage debate, then I'd recommend them.
    Continue reading...

    Sunday, December 11, 2005

    Note To Self

    You can't miss what you have never had.
    Continue reading...


    This sitting still and doing nothing is getting difficult. So much so that I seem to have broken my agreement to myself. This week has involved lots of "doing." Doing stuff is not exactly conducive to emptying my mind. In fact it seems to have the opposite effect.

    I keep getting The Wheel of Fortune when I ask the tarot about my current situation. It basically means constantly flutuating circumstance. uncertain future, etc. How unhelpful.
    Continue reading...

    Saturday, December 10, 2005

    The Marriage Thing Part 3

    I have more questions. Blame the cocktails and Bob.

    If you are a "man-woman-only marriage" (MWOM) supporter, what is your position (wrt being allowed to use the word "Marriage") on the following:
    1. Straight Man marries Lesbian - no kids
    2. Gay Man marries Lesbian - no kids
    3. Gay Man marries Lesbian - they adopt
    4. Gay Man marries Lesbian - they have children
    5. Bisexual male marries Bisexual female
    5. Transsexual Male marries Transsexual female - they adopt children

    I won't go on. There are far too many possibilities and potential complications (eg say one or both partners did not know about the sexual orientation of the other at the time of marriage), but you get the idea. I guess what I am asking is this: apparently sex matters, but do sexual orientation and gender also matter? Does the truth matter more than the intention?

    If other people are drawing lines then I like to know where the lines are and I like the lines to be relatively precise.

    Why all these silly and pedantic questions? Well, amazingly Bob agrees with me on the Marriage thing. We rarely agree, so I started to wonder why we would agree on this. I think it is because we both view sexuality as a continuum...a sliding scale. My hypothesis is that MWOM supporters view sexuality as either black and white or a perhaps as a graded scale. Shoot it down if you will.
    Continue reading...

    Friday, December 09, 2005

    The Marriage Thing Part 2 (you know I am going to go on and on about this)

    On why I think the gay-marriage advocates are so passionate about the word "marriage." (Disclaimer, I'm not gay, so I could be talking a load of shit, but hey that's what blogs are for).

    Say you grow up in society as it is. Throughout your life you are bombarded with messages about marriage: how great it is, how that's what everyone does - you know how the script goes: leave school, get a job, meet someone, fall madly in love, get married, buy a house, get a pet, have babies, live happily ever after, the end.

    If you follow this script you probably don't realise how difficult it is when you do not follow this script. If you don't often get "what a freak" looks, then you won't understand how important it is to feel normal in as many ways as possible.

    Say you are gay and still want to participate in the script that society has sold you. After all, your whole life you have been indoctrinated into this marriage thing. So you meet someone, fall in love, and want to do the next step, ie get married. But you can't. Why not? Because there is something wrong with you. You aren't good enough - only certain people are allowed to get married. Only normal people are allowed to get married. Only people who can have children are allowed to get married. Everyone else is a second-class citizen. Everyone else is selfish and not contributing to society.

    How many fairy stories do you know where the beautiful princess ended up having a civil union and living happily ever after?

    The reason I care about this issue is that I am never going to get married and have kids. So when I hear things like how the mother-father-kid scenario is the only really valid family group and the cornerstone of society and how I don't understand how important and special marriage is, I feel like a worthless piece of crap and then if I'm lucky I get cross.
    Continue reading...


    I adored Serenity. So much so that I saw it twice in a row, with as many repeats of the Firefly episodes as time would allow in between. I have never done that with a movie before! It was a cool 24 hours.

    If I was going to pick a sci-fi Universe to live in, it would be the Firefly universe.
    Continue reading...

    Tear apart the fabric of society?

    Hell yeah! Bring it on!

    Prior to my reading of various views on marriage yesterday I was all "live and let live" about it. Marriage is cool. People should be free to choose. Blah blah bah.

    Now I am not at all happy and calm. Now my insides are all irritated. It is funny the power that words have. Now I am all ready to join the feminazis and turn socialist. All because of the absolutely ridiculous-to-me arguments of the conservative that marriage must only be between a man and a woman. Apparently aything else is tearing apart the fabric of society.

    This is my understanding of the non-suze side of the argument:
    • Marriage is a time-honoured tradition that is a cornerstone of "family" and therefore a fundamental building block of society.
    • Marriage must only be between a man and a woman.
    • If our idea of "marriage" changes then society will unravel and this is bad.
    • The socialists understand the importance of marriage as the basis of society and this is why they are trying to destroy it by allowing gays to marry.
    • Even though the government should butt out of people's lives when it comes to money and almost everything else, they must uphold the sanctity of marriage and stop anyone who is not a man and a woman getting married because that is bad.
    I may not have got this completely right because my head is all fuzzy with annoyance.

    What Suze thinks about Marriage
    Marriage is a word. A very loaded word. A word with an idea behind it. An "institution." But I think that the idea of what marriage is and should be differs greatly amongst individuals. There are many different ideas about what marriage is. If someone says "marriage" to me, this is what I think...and it looks nothing like the cornerstone of society:

    Marriage, like all "institutions" is actually a completely personal/individual thing. I think that people tend to assume that other people have the same idea behind the word as they do, but I think that is very rarely the case. And trying to force people to have the same ideas as you is silly and limiting and never going to happen.

    There is an awful lot of assuming going on with "institutions". For example, if you say marriage should only be between a man and a woman for the purposes of child-raising, and that is why it is wrong for gays to marry....well, how do you know that all the other male-female marriages think the same about the institution of marraige as you do? What if they don't? What if a male and female who are married have the "wrong" idea about what marriage is. Should they be allowed to get married then? Wouldn't they be even more undermining to the institution of marriage by living the "wrong" idea of marriage? I think it highly likely that there are some gay couples that regard marriage with more respect than many non-gay couples.

    Then there is the argument that children do best under with a mother and a father in a nuclear family- and my goodness, look at all the research to prove it. Well I think that is complete crap - partly because my faith in "research" is not exactly high (and partly form personal experience/observation). My opinion is that almost every conceivable kind of family models can work (although I probably have a different idea about the word "work"). I think that the nuclear family model is not the only successful family model. I think it is the perfect model for many people, but it is also a crap model for many other people. Of course, if you believe that people should be socialised in certain ways, then enforcing the nuclear family is a great way of doing that....just as breaking down the nuclear family is a great way of socialising people.

    I guess it IS a war about how we want society to be. Even though socialists are the only ones called "socialists", every other group is trying to do the socialising thing - all as meddlesome as each other. The conservatives want society to go back to the good old days. The socialists want to force in a new order. Of course, neither will really work - going backwards is going against the flow and there are too many people who don't fit into the good old days, and I'm not sure the good old days were all that good anyway. On the other side of things, forcing a new order on people who don't want a new order is just going to get nasty and the new order that is being forced doesn't look very fun at all. Me, I just want to do my own thing and not have either group telling me what is right and wrong and not feel like a complete outcast all the time.

    Marriage is frequently a fear-based thing. For example fear of: God, being alone, not passing on your genes, not following the script. I know I have pissed off several friends with this opinion, but they haven't ever managed to convince me otherwise.

    Marriage is just a word, which contradicts the popular idea that "marriage is special and other people can't use the same word for their freaky behaviours because that would ruin the specialness of the word for me and other normal people". I really don't get this.

    I define my own "special", I thought other people did the same. If I think something is special and important then it is mostly to do with what I think about it, and a little to do with what friends and family think about it. It has absolutely nothing to do with what random strangers think about it. Sure, marriage should be special, but trying to restrict other people's use of a word because it tarnishes your use of the word...I don't get it. Surely, you know that other people are probably going to have a different idea behind the word that you do...and that whatever they do they can't tarnish your idea. And really, why care?

    I have had friends who have said they didn't get the fuss about marriage until they got married and then...wow it was just all different...and that marriage is really important and that I didn't understand. It is kind of funny that many of those same friends are now divorced.
    Continue reading...

    Thursday, December 08, 2005

    I am a leaf on the wind...

    I come back after my Serenity blog break and see that there are couple of blood-boiling issues around the NZ blogs. Now, when I say blood-boiling, I just mean I disagree enough to think about commenting/posting on the topic.

    First, Tristan's thoughts. I don't see anything unusual about them. I thought they were interesting.

    Second, the Marriage debate going on here. F&*K it is irritating me!!! And you know it is usually only Bob who makes me this cross.

    But I don't have time to say anything tonight so I just need to think calm thoughts..I am a leaf on the wind...nothing can touch me....

    Continue reading...

    Monday, December 05, 2005

    Too Hot

    Usually I write something right about now. But today it's just too hot and humid.

    I'm going downstairs to find the breeze.
    Continue reading...

    Sunday, December 04, 2005

    It's brilliant, being depressed...

    "It's brilliant, being depressed; you can behave as badly as you like."
    - Nick Hornby (High Fidelity)
    Yes. Exactly. What genius!

    I loved reading High Fidelity (by Nick Hornby). So funny, and so recognisable. A beautiful bite of witty pop that you can skip through effortlessly, although it could be deep if that's what you really wanted. Needless to say, I enjoyed it much more than the movie.

    And it asks the questions I ought to be asking myself:
    "What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss.
    Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?"
    - Nick Hornby (High Fidelity)
    Just recently, Phoenix and I were talking about how all of a sudden, for no apparent reason, we were both "down." Not depressed exactly, but certainly not happy. At first we thought maybe it was the planets or something equally esoteric.

    Then I mentioned that I had been listening to James Blunt almost exclusively for the past couple of weeks. "Me too!" says Phoneix. Although she has a better excuse than me, she works in retail and is forced to listen to whatever the company decides to indoctrinate consumers with, which is apparently James Blunt at the moment.

    And so we got to thinking: were we miserable because of the music?

    And then I read High Fidelity.

    And then I took James Blunt out of my cd player and removed him from my playlists, replacing "High" with "Paradise City" and "Beautiful" with "Pour Some Sugar on Me" and "Goodbye My Lover" with "Ooh La La."

    And then I felt better.

    And then I felt bored.
    Continue reading...

    Christmas Party Stress

    I must've been in a strange mood a few weeks ago. I blithely decided to go to the work xmas function and get myself involved in because it would be "fun". What was I thinking?! Obviously I wasn't thinking. This is where spontaneity gets me.

    Now the "why not?" has turned into "stupid stupid idea!"

    I think it's because I have been reading up on office party survival tips on the interweb. The "survival tips" are stressing me out. Apparently office parties are more "office" than "party." Apparently, senior management is watching your every move. Apparently you should: drink moderately (no alcohol is even better), eat moderately, network, chat with the boss, dress conservatively, behave conservatively, arrive on time, don't stay too late....etc. And on top of that you must attend and enjoy yourself. It sounds awful! But more importantly, I don't think I am capable of doing all of that....what is the point?

    Stupid interweb advice.
    Continue reading...

    Saturday, December 03, 2005

    Concerning the Book That Is the Body of the Beloved

    I like poetry, but I very rarely find poetry that I like.

    ... hmmm ... the structure of that sentence is very much like the structure of my life. For example, I could substitute "love" for "like" and substitute any number of things for "poetry"...

    Anyway, I have just found a poem that I like very very much: Concerning the Book That Is the Body of the Beloved by Gregory Orr

    Why do I like it? It speaks to me of all the important things: life, love, death...loss. And it speaks in a way that resonates.
    Continue reading...

    Thursday, December 01, 2005

    Mental Illness Links to Art and Sex

    An interesting article from The Guardian about Mental Illness Links to Art and Sex (and here is the relevant academic abstract).

    Apparently people who believe in Darwinism were puzzled by the fact that there are still schizophrenics in the population. Surely the genes predisposing people to schizophrenia should be disappearing from the gene pool? I think the reasoning has something to do with schizophrenics being antisocial and therefore not making babies. Note: this whole post is me presuming things and stretching things, I am far too lazy to go read the actual research.

    Anyway, the researchers studied some stuff and as far as I can tell (skim reading and multitasking) they came to this conclusion:

    1. Artists & schizophrenics both think weird shit. Or, at least everyone else thinks that they think weird shit. Both groups got equally high scores on something called "unusual cognition." In other words, they are more creative than most people.

    2. Artists are more popular/sociable than schizophrenics. Artists and schizophrenics got very different scores on something called "introvertive anhedonia." Schizophrenics got high scores, whereas artists got similar scores to the general population.

    3. Artists sleep around a lot. Twice as much as the general population. Presumably because they are relatively sociable and/or because the "differentness" bestowed by the schizo-genes falls in the scale of Baby-Bear-different, as opposed to Daddy-Bear-different or Mummy-Bear-different

    So, basically the artists are doing the schizophrenics share of passing on the genes that predisposes people to schizophrenia.

    I know this isn't really finished, but I think I'll stop now. Translating is tiring. Besides I have to go research cognition and schizophrenia. There must be some tests I can take....
    Continue reading...

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