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Sunday, September 04, 2005


People keep dying. It is to be expected. I wonder why everyone acts so surprised.

It's been a death year. Recently there have been several deaths. And I am expecting several more. Mostly related to friends. Only one related directly to me. And both me and my brother came very very close to dying (in completely separate events) earlier this year. I kind of like that I almost died. Is that weird?

I hate funerals. Mostly because I feel like I have to act in a certain way (ie pretend to be sad, go along with all the silly traditions and ideally cry lots) so that other people feel better. I certainly don't seem to react to death like other people do. I don't get upset about the dead person. I don't cry. I get upset for me having to deal with the funeral stress (selfish I know) and for all the upset alive people.

The closer I am to the dead person the more difficult it is because there are greater expectations of me. It is very stressful not being myself, especially when there are lots of upset people around. Maybe it's because I have a tendency to take on other people's emotions.

i think there is a difference between showing you care about someone's death and making people feel better by acting how they want you to.

the latter isn't limited to funerals but why even go if you really don't care that someone has died?

i can't quite decide whether you are as selfish as you appear in this post or whether this is just another thing you are selfish about.
I go to funerals for the people who are alive not for the person who has died. Which is probably an unselfish thing to do now that I think about it...the recent one was very unselfish. Going was the last thing I wanted to do. I was sick and it was costly in $, time and energy.

Oh, and I am as selfish as I appear in this post. I have also been completely honest wrt to my feelings/motives. I could've made up something soppy and acceptable about death and funerals. Maybe I'll do that in the next post.
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