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Sunday, February 26, 2006

note to self: focus

What you focus on grows.
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Saturday, February 25, 2006

bad suze

For those of you who haven't figured it out yet:

This is a bad blog and I am a bad blogger. I am inconsistent, irrational, over-emotional and self absorbed. I rarely write anything factual. Mostly I write about how I feel. As such, don't take anything I say seriously.

Sometimes I feel bad because of what good people say. I said:
"I really ought to stop reading Sir Humphreys. Something regularly appears to make me feel like crap. I don't need that."

All of that is true. I am guilty of saying what I actually think/feel and not dressing it up all nice for people. What I didn't say is that how I feel is my responsibility. It is a core belief and mostly subconcious so I didn't even think to say it.

Then I said:
"It seems to me that lots of people think that if you are an unmarried and childless woman then you are abnormal, a second class citizen and destined to be sour, bitter and lonely."

Again it's all about my self absorbed perceptions. Yes, it may be an over-reaction, but it is how I felt when I wrote it.

Me again:
"It is depressing to think that maybe they are right."

They. The imaginary people in my head. A vague statement. I didn't mean they to equal "all Sir Humphrey people." It could be interpreted that way. Bad Suze. Anyway, I am saying "they" might be right. And I don't think I said anything offensive. I don't usually say anything definite enough to eb offensive.

"if people are allowed to be offended by the words "caregiver" and "partner" then I am allowed to be upset by this."

Others are allowed to feel offended about the words partner and caregiver and I am not allowed to feel offended by the same thing in reverse?

So other people think whatever I am offended by is silly...it doesn't matter. I am just documenting how I feel. And I am doing it in my own space. I am not telling anyone they are wrong or to stop saying things. I am even saying "they" might be right. I admit I am being over-emotional and irrational and silly!!!

Yes. I am noticing there might be cartoon parallels here but I am not going to say anything...

ps AL I think that if you have a multi-author blog you "might" have to accept that people are going to sometimes refer to you as a collective. Generalising is what people do. You can't control what other people think and say no matter how wrong you think they are. People are also inclined to be stupid and emotional. That is also what people do.

Anyway, isn't your being concerned about being lumped together kind of similar to me being offended by people generalising about the single, partner, married thing?

Disclaimer: These are just my thoughts. They are not necessarily right or good or rational or intelligent or interesting.
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Friday, February 24, 2006

on fading

This blog feels alien. I haven't written anything important here for so long.

I was going to write about how I have changed a lot recently and I haven't kept this blog updated on all my important events and changes and thoughts...and how now it feels weird to come back. I feel like a stranger.

And now in the midst of writing this I am thinking...this is just like all those real relationships between real people. Like those friends who drift off and how the emails get less frequent and less intimate. How it all just degenerates from being very close friends into a "Hi how are you, the weather is crap/good/great and I am doing xyz." twice a year email relationship. And how everyone else seems to accept it. And how I hate it. I hate it.
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Tuesday, February 21, 2006

dirty pretty things: synchronicity of the day

I watch Pretty Dirty Things on dvd (great movie). I go to the computer. Timmy pops into my head out of nowhere. It's the first time I've thought about him in ages. So I go to his website. Turns out he is touring with a band called Dirty Pretty Things.

Weird. Shiny.

I have never heard of Dirty Pretty Things until now. The frontman is ex Libertines singer/guitarist. They are touring the UK and the US over the next few months. Go see them if you can.
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Monday, February 20, 2006

new music loves

Well...new for me...

I've already mentioned Arcade Fire (album: Funeral).
Beautiful. Intense. Melancholy. Reflective. Emotional. It is quite rare for music to make me feel such varied emotions. It makes me sad and it makes me smile; it makes me sit reflectively and it makes me want to dance.

Wake Up is an amazing song.

Then there is Jose Gonzalez (album: Veneer). I came across this by accident. Quietly beautiful. Intimate. Reflective. Poignant. Don't you love allmusic.com?

But in my words I would say:
this feels addictive
another yearning for that elusive something
I'm not sure I will ever reach it
or if it even exists
and yet I miss it always
there is an almost memory
that feels exquisitely beautiful
eyes closed and arms oustretched
and wings in chains straining against

Jose is Swedish would you believe? This album is just acoustic guitar and voice. The guitar playing is quite classical in parts. It reminds me of you know who. The songs sound almost like the sort of songs I would write...except lighter and better.

And then there is the Castanets (album: Cathedral). Again it fits in with the general reflective, melancholy, yearning moody theme I seem to have here. And it is interesting: country + folk + experimental rock.

And finally there is UNKLE (album: Never, Never, Land). Experimental hip-hop. I think it is quite beautiful. The moods according to allmusic are: Bleak, Brooding, Cynical, Earnest, Eerie, Druggy, Detached, Tense/Anxious, Sensual, Provocative, Refined/ Mannered, Paranoid, Complex, Confrontational, Intense, Ambitious, Somber, Reflective, Autumnal, Laid-Back/ Mellow, Earthy

Now wonder I like it! Apart from the "ambitious" part, it is just like me!
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Sunday, February 19, 2006

remember the milk

I am really liking Remember The Milk (online to-do list manager and more).

Here's a quote: "an electronic planner that offers e-mail, instant messaging (IM) and Short Message Service (SMS) reminders to yourself or to others; the ability to share and/or publish lists with contact groups; and support for iCalendar, a standard for calendar data exchange across applications and OS platforms." And it's free.

I have tried others but I like this the best so far.

I have just set my reminders to be sent to all my email addresses, GoogleTalk and my mobile (via SMS). I shouldn't forget anything ever again.

Now I am going to print off my list of tasks for the week.

If I had people to share tasks with I could do that too.
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sleeping is giving in no matter what the time is

New favourite band, album, song...

Arcade Fire. Funeral. Wake Up.
Somethin' filled up my heart with nothin', someone told me not to cry.
But now that I'm older, my heart's colder, and I can see that it's a lie.
Children wake up, hold your mistake up, before they turn the summer into dust.
If the children don't grow up, our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.
We're just a million little god's causin rain storms turnin' every good thing to rust.
I guess we'll just have to adjust.

Rebellion (Lies)
People try and hide the night underneath the covers.
People try and hide the light underneath the covers.

Come on hide your lovers
underneath the covers...

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I really ought to stop reading Sir Humphreys. Something regularly appears to make me feel like crap. I don't need that.

It seems to me that lots of people think that if you are an unmarried and childless woman then you are abnormal, a second class citizen and destined to be sour, bitter and lonely.

It is depressing to think that maybe they are right.

ps if people are allowed to be offended by the words "caregiver" and "partner" then I am allowed to be upset by this.
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Saturday, February 18, 2006

driving is not my forte

I have had the brakes on. Resisting. I have also had my foot on the accelerator. An uncomfortable combination. Uncomfortable enough that I have removed the brakes.

My foot is still on the accelerator. I know if I stop or slow down I will never get started again. Yet:

Lack of direction/focus + High speed = Motion sickness + accidents.

Hopefully I'll crash in the right place or figure out where I'm going.
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Friday, February 17, 2006

if we are strong enough to be weak enough....

I have just discovered Oriah Mountain Dreamer:
Some people come into our lives and quickly go.
Some people move our souls to dance.
They awaken us to understanding with the passing whisper of their wisdom.

Some people make the sky more beautiful to gaze upon.
They stay in our lives for awhile,
and leave footprints on our hearts forever...

Beautiful. Lovely lovely words that resonate. Words that I would write if I could.

And Night Tears from the now out of print Dreams of Desire. You can go read the rest of Dreams of Desire here.
Night Tears
There is a crying
that happens at night
that does not come
while the light is with us.
There are things that cannot
be evaded
once the sun goes down.
Small nocturnal creatures
with sharp white teeth
silently gnaw at the edges of
belly and heart
when the darkness descends
and the void inside
grows larger.

It can split you open.

And the bone
in the centre of your chest
like the cracked wishing bone
from the turkey breast.

And if we are strong enough
to be weak enough
we are given a wound
that never heals.
It is the gift
that keeps the heart open.

Oriah Mountain Dreamer

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I don't pay attention to the news

The Winter Olympics must be on now. The only reason I know this is because of the pretty pictures on the Google search page. And if I hadn't been going to the Google home page I would've found out because The Map Room guy has another blog: DFL. This blog celebrates last-place finishes at the Olympics! Right on!
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Thursday, February 16, 2006

love is

Anyone remember that song by Allanah Myles? I remember it clearly because I had to memorise some modelling routine to it.

Anyway there is this controversial belief about love over at Standpoint which is my latest social software find. It allows you share what you believe and why and find out all the silly things other people believe. The controversial belief is that: Love is a phenomenon produced by evolution to entice humans to reproduce.

All those sentimental romantics would disagree I am sure. But I'm not sure what the scientific romantics would do.

I don't know whether I agree or disagree, but I think it is interesting. I think love means different things to different people. Bob would complain about that I'm sure. There is nothing really in there to argue with.
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Wednesday, February 15, 2006

This is a goddamned bitch of an unsatisfactory situation

"This is a goddamned bitch of an unsatisfactory situation"

This is my favourite of many excellent Brokeback Mountain quotes. It sums my life up perfectly.

I have just seen Brokeback Mountain and I am not sure what I think. It was good. I did not get bored despite the rather slow start. Yet it didn't live up to my expectations. I guess I was expecting something that would move me and it didn't. Almost...but not quite. There was something missing. I was a little disappointed.

Again. Like my life.

It was also very mainstream when I was expecting something a little edgier.

I just had a thought. Maybe I wasn't moved because my life is more emotionally absorbing and interesting than some made up story. No matter how well told. No matter how tragic and star-crossed-lover like it is.

It was a good movie though. Go see it. What's not to love about a gay cowboy?
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Monday, February 13, 2006

sticky sticky all of me

I have glued my webself together here.

Why? Well...why not? And you can too with SuprGlu.
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vaguely intense

I am all torn and confused and weepy. I don't understand...usually I am good at goodbyes. Usually I could care less.

Still at least things seem to be getting clearer. With me, distance = clarity.

I have a theory: it is the unknowns that make things exponentially more difficult (and more emotional and more interesting).

I have/had an undefined but very close and intense relationship (although it wasn't actually a "relationship") with Bob that was mostly quite private (ie other people had no idea what we were and I'm not sure we know/knew either). Bob has maybe left the country for good (ie for an undefined amount of time to do something undefined with various undefined people). Our undefined relationship-that-is-not-a-relationship may or may not continue and it will change in an undefined way. All I know is that I think maybe I will miss him immeasurably, even (and maybe especially) the irritating challenging aspects. And if I don't miss him, then I will be obsessing over why I don't cause I ought to.

This is on top of the rest of my very undefined and uncertain life.

Just as Bob doesn't really know what he is doing or what he wants, neither do I.

No wonder this goodbye was stressful and weepy and energy draining. There is uncertainty everywhere.

Yet underneath all of this I am very aware that I actually really like all this emotional intensity and drama and uncertainty. That can't be healthy can it?
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Sunday, February 12, 2006

lantern festival



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Recipe: Rashun Lettuce and Tomato Sandwich

RLT sandwich
If you don't have any bacon but you have Rashuns then you may like to try the Rashun, Lettuce and Tomato sandwich. It is not as bad as it sounds although I was hungover and sleep deprived at the time.
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Wednesday, February 08, 2006

I know I have been quiet. I have nothing to say.

For a supposedly intelligent person, Bob is a little dumb sometimes:
Still. I forgive the dumbness. After all he did introduce me to Leonard Cohen.
Suzanne takes you down to her place near the river
You can hear the boats go by
You can spend the night beside her
And you know that she's half crazy
But that's why you want to be there
And she feeds you tea and oranges
That come all the way from China
And just when you mean to tell her
That you have no love to give her
Then she gets you on her wavelength
And she lets the river answer
That you've always been her lover
And you want to travel with her
And you want to travel blind
And you know that she will trust you
For you've touched her perfect body with your mind.
~ Suzanne by Leonard Cohen

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