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Wednesday, November 30, 2005

Oh. Yep. That Must Be The Reason

So I have been sitting around not planning or thinking or overanalysing. Doing nothing as I was told.

And I remember something I had forgotten. Strange.

Now all the insecurities, over-analysis and emotional drama about nothing doesn't seem so stupid. Now all the moods and the hating my life and the randomly bursting into tears for no good reason makes a little more sense. No wonder my thesis is going nowhere. No wonder I am going nowhere.

Everything is making sense and I am not sure that I like it.
Continue reading...

Hey Fairy Godmother!

I have nothing to wear to the ball!

It is the xmas party season. My work is doing the annoying and boring "formal" evening thing. Fine, I thought when I accepted the invite, I'll just wear the most comfortable, most interesting and least formal outfit that fits and that I think I can get away with. Simple.

But in reality it is not simple at all. Would you believe I have:
1 ball dress that is too big
1 ball dress that is too small
1 cocktail dress that is too big
1 cocktail dress that is too small
2 dresses that fit, but are inappropriate (unlined black lace! what was I thinking?!)
1 borderline-formal dress that keeps falling down because the straps are broken
various other items of clothing that don't fit or don't have a partner

The thing I don't understand is that most of the clothes I tried on used to fit before...and it is not just that I have gotten fat because some of them are too big now. It looks like I have three options: sew, duct-tape, or shop. And I didn't want to spend any time or money on this!

So I am trying to do nothing about it and to not have the goal of finding something to wear, but I don't see how that is going to work. It's not like Fairy Godmother is going to magically appear with the perfect outfit.
Continue reading...

Tuesday, November 29, 2005

Shrinking Goal Strangeness

Warning: Even I think this post is rather strange, extremely self-centered and extremely boring for 99.9% of the population.

Recap. According to my intuition, this is what I am supposed to be doing: stopping, letting go, doing nothing. Giving up on the goals and life planning silliness. Letting myself be directed by life, the universe and everything.

Not permanently of course, just for the moment. And I'm not sure why exactly, but I trust that it is for a good reason.

Anyway here are some observations from about a week of attempting this:
1. I am noticing a whole lot more synchronicities and coincidences. I don't know if that's because there actually are more or if it's just because I am noticing more.

2. There seems to be a higher rate of turnover of experiences and opportunities. The more I say no, the more possibilities surface. It is kind of like that game show whose name I can't remember. You know where all these prizes go around on a carousel and the contestant gets to keep whatever they can remember. What WAS it called? I think an expert came in and demonstrated a task and the contestants had to attempt the same task. I think the best ones at the task got the opportunity to memorise and consequently win the prizes...

...but I am getting sidetracked. Back to what I was talking about...

It is like that game show where all these life experiences (mine or other people's) are passing in front of me. But I don't have to try and remember them (which is a good thing I guess...is the host's name Bruce??), all I have to do is choose which ones I want; and I don't have to choose all of them; and the pickier I become the more high quality options I get shown. Anyway, that's what it seems like.

3. I am still not completely goalless. Today I realised that despite my intent, I still have goals. The ones I know about are: see Serenity this week, figure out how to make the perfect Caipirinha, watch Battlestar Galactica.

What stupid and insignifcant goals! The interesting thing is that in the absence of bigger more acceptable and respectable goals, they have become ridiculously important to me. It seems that when you strip away the "important" goals the silly little goals take over. For example I became irrationally over-invested in when I see Serenity. Seeing Serenity this week suddenly became the most important thing in my life. Yes, it is pathetic, but I also find it rather fascinating. I think maybe it took on such importance because it is one of the few things I have.

Of course now I am curious about how it will feel to have absolutely no goals and whether that is a good or bad thing. I wonder if I can manage to reach a state of having absolutely no goals? I admit I am not quite there yet. And what is a goal anyway? Isn't it just a mental construct?

Is this a weird post? Do other people experiment with themselves like this?

PS. Did anyone else notice how the host on that game show (whose name I STILL can't remember) used to pretend to be helpful by pointing out the prizes (opportunities) to the contestant, but was in reality really offputting and unhelpful because he focused on stupid things, was motivated by his own self-interest, and was usually totally out of sync with the contestant.
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The Long Walk Home

Today it took me 45 minutes to walk home from work. It usually takes 25. I was walking very slow because I couldn't be bothered moving my legs. I also had to stop and rest every few hundred meters and talk myself out of curling up on the grass, closing my eyes and and not moving ever again.

Now I'm home and I'm thinking cocktails for dinner again is probably a bad idea. I really don't want to move (unless it is to make myself a cocktail), but I guess I ought to feed myself properly. At the very least I should force myself to go buy some junk food. At the moment, however, it sounds like far too much effort.

I hope this is not going to turn in to a repeat of last December.
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Monday, November 28, 2005

What a difference cane sugar makes!

Yum! Almost perfect! This is officially my favourite cocktail.

All I need now is a proper muddling device, an ice crushing device and a source of cachaca. I have been drinking caipiroskas (of the chunky ice cube variety) tonight because I am not sure if the small amount of cachaca I have will be difficult to replace.

BTW the recipe is:
1. muddle a quartered lime and 2tbsp (or a suitable amount to taste) sugar (dark cane is better)
2. add ice (preferably not large ice cubes, I'm sure crushed/cracked will be better) and 2oz of alcohol.
3. shake.

Use cachaca for a caipirinha or vodka for a caipiroska or white rum for a caipiríssima. Apparently half tequila and half white rum makes an OK substitute for cachaca. I will have to do a taste test on that.
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Capoeira, Chocalhos, and Caipirinhas

OK. What's with Brazil?

Brazil has never ever been a place that I thought about. Ever. Now, all of a sudden, completely unrelated Brazillian things are popping up out of nowhere and inserting themselves into my life. Bizarre.
Continue reading...

Sunday, November 27, 2005

Maybe It's Just Liminal

I get the feeling that people think I am sitting around twiddling my thumbs, drifting, wasting my life...

It seems that people think surely I should be doing something, anything. You know maybe doing something productive with one of my many talents, working on my apparently (I should do a post on this) non-existent self-esteem, self-confidence and social skills, meeting people, travelling, challenging myself, moving outside my comfort zone, unsheltering my sheltered life, etc.

I don't blame them really. I know that from the outside it looks like I am not doing anything. It looks like I am standing still. And I know I frequently say things to reinforce such an opinion. I say these things because part of me agrees with people...I HATE drifting, and not doing anything or being anyone. I HATE it.

Why don't I do anything about it then? Well, there are a couple of reasons. The first is that I am not actually standing still, it just looks that way. In fact I would go so far as to say I am speeding. The second reason is that against my better judgement I HAVE tried to do things. Lots of things. But I haven't gotten anywhere (thrown back in my face is more accurate). Forcing things against my better judgement never works.

Now I have decided to just listen to my intuition, regardless of whether I want to or not (I don't). At the moment this wiser suze is telling me very firmly to: Stop. Wait. Let go. Do nothing. This wiser suze knows that although nothing has been happening outwardly, there have been dramatic and very rapid inner shifts. The wise suze knows that more has been happening in the last couple of years than in the previous twenty, and that more has been happening in the last couple of months than in the last couple of years. Acceleration. E/limination. The old suze is dead and dying. I don't know the new suze at all. I don't think she exists yet. I have been way outside my comfort zone for a long time now. Life has to catch up. I have to catch up.

So I am going to wait and do nothing. I am going to try very hard not to be impatient and grumpy that other people's inner voices are telling them to do exciting things when my inner voice is telling me to do nothing, or worse still, to do boring things. I am going to try very hard not to get in my own way. I am going to stop with the goals and plans and lists and wishes and expectations. I am going to let the Universe take care of everything. I will do whatever comes up that I can afford to do and that I don't have an aversion to.

For some strange reason (I drift a lot and I like it when I have a choice), really letting go is very very hard for me.

Continue reading...

Procrastinating Again: I am an Artistic Intellectual

Can you tell I am "working on my thesis?" I am an Artistic Intellectual. Very good.
You're an artistic intellectual.

What Sort of Intellectual Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

via Not PC

Interestingly (or not) only 2 other people have got this result out of the 93 who have taken this test so far.
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Saturday, November 26, 2005

So It's True

The White Stripes HAVE done a cover of Tegan and Sara's Walking With A Ghost (here to listen). On first listen : it is OK but I definitely prefer the original.
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Death From Above 1979

My latest musical addiction is Death From Above 1979. Two guys. A bassist/synth player and a drummer/vocalist. No guitarists! How appealing! All Music says the music is "a severely overdriven rush of punk, hip-hop, and dance music influences held together with high volume." All I know is that I like it.

I am addicted to the song Black History Month from the You're A Woman, I'm A Machine album. In particular, the Josh Homme remix of Black History Month from the Romance Bloody Romance album.

Any band that has a "Josh Homme remix" on an album called Romance Bloody Romance has got to be good for me.

Do you remember a time when this pool was
A great place for waterwings and cannonballs
A nice place for astrologists and blow up dolls
And on, and on...

Hold on children
Your best friend's parents are leaving
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Friday, November 25, 2005

I Do Like This

I don't usually like interviews, but this is cool:
Interview With The Search Engine (pilfered from Darren's del.icio.us links)

I think it is very amusing and a great idea for me to try when I have future procrastination emergencies. But then sometimes I am very easily amused...
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I Have Been Thinking

So, I ought to be able to leave my doors unlocked and wide open with my expensive belongings in plain sight. I ought to be able to leave a box full of my life savings in the park for a week with my name on it and a request not to touch it or remove any of the contents. I ought to be able to dress in next to nothing and prance drunk along dark deserted back alleys in the middle of the night all by myself, taunt and insult angry P users and not expect anything bad to happen to me and if it does it is not my fault?

I don't think so. I am idealistic but I'm not stupid. Life is not black and white but my lovely new top is.
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Random Stuff

It is raining on my skylights. How lovely!!!!

My head hurts. I think it might be the rain or the thinking or the cocktails.

ANTM was soooo disappointing tonight. I expected drama. There was no drama.
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Thursday, November 24, 2005

Things I Learnt Today...

1. If an AutoCAD layer is "frozen" it actually means it is invisible.

2. Life can always get more complicated.

3. Managing people is very time-consuming. Don't expect to get any of your own work done.

4. Things NEVER EVER turn out as you imagine they will, no matter how much it seems like they are going to.

5. Never say never. (Yes I knew this one before, I just ignore the fact that I know it)

6. Aimee Mann does a beautiful cover of Radiohead's "The Scientist."

7. There are a thousand and one ways for people to misinterpret my blog posts.

Continue reading...

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

I Don't Get It

I don't get this whole blogging thing.

Well. No. I absolutely get my self-absorbed, moody, confusing blog thing, I just don't get the rest of the blog universe. Well. No. I do get "it" because "it" just seems to be a reflection of society. What I don't get is how I can fit myself into "it." Did that make sense?

The tincanman recently posted about how blogging is an activity for herd beasts. Yes. I see how that seems to be mostly the case. I also see how it is not the case for me. Irksome.

If I didn't know better, I'd think from reading my blog that I don't read other people's blogs and/or have much of an opinion about anything much at all.

Recently, around the NZ blogs, there have been several heated "discussions" about various hot topics, you know, religion, rape, feminism, fat, labeling people etc. I admit a lot of the time I have been thinking things like "what planet are these people from?!" and "how stupid!"

I actually have very strong opinions about all these topics and they might not be what you'd expect (surprisingly enough I agreed with the Agrarian fundamentalist more than I agreed with the feminists). I just don't feel like expressing my opinions, not even from the comfort of my own blog. I guess the point is that I don't actually care whether anyone else agrees with me or not and I don't care whether I am right or wrong or somewhere in between. Maybe it all boils down to me not caring that I am different. Well...not enough to do anything significant about it anyway.

What IS this post about?

I don't know. But it seems the ability to see things from another persons point of view is very rare and the ability to let other people have their point of view without trying to change it is even rarer.
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Tuesday, November 22, 2005

A Very Strange Little Girl

Someone told me I was like River, from Firefly. You know. The strange girl.

I think these were the noted similarities: too intelligent for her own good, strange, pouty, over-emotional for no good reason, strange. And apparently I kind of look like River, which I don't really see at all.

I was surprised and not exactly flattered. All the other female characters are attractive in their own way. But River is not even really on the attractiveness scale. River is just weird and annoying and doesn't really belong. No one really likes her and its seems she makes people nervous and uncomfortable. Great. I have always suspected I make people nervous and uncomfortable but only one person has ever come out and said it. Brave boy.

Anyway once I started thinking about it there are quite a few other similarities between me and River: very perceptive/intuitive, a strange way of intereacting with people, moody, a dancer, prone to wandering around and communing with objects rather than with people, a tendency to say stuff that no one else understands but makes perfect sense to her.

Kind of depressing that.

In the middle of the Ariel episode someone says about River: "She feels everything. She can't not." I think I burst into tears, which I guess is not an unusual event. But then the other day a friend asked how I was doing. All I could say was "I don't know." What I actually meant was "good" and "OK" and "crap" and "depressed" and "sad" and "bored" and "tired" and "excited" and "calm" and "upset" and "disappointed" and "bubbly" and "apathetic" and "hopeless" and "content" and "on to it" and "drowning" and "lost" all at once. Actually, prefix all those preceding adjectives with "extremely." That would be more accurate.

So I think it all averages out to tired and overwhelmed. It is kind of scary. It is kind of irrational. I've never been quite like this before. Maybe it's because I have been meditating so now I am calmly and detachedly overwhelmed and emotional. That can't be right though.
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Monday, November 21, 2005

Gooey Sticky Mess

"In the change from being a caterpillar to becoming a butterfly, you're nothing more than a yellow, gooey sticky mess." -Ted Forbes

OK. REALLY sick of this now. Three years of continually being a gooey sticky mess (and getting gooeier and stickier) is very stressful and draining and so not fun. I'd better be an excellent butterfly at the end of all this (and this gooey sticky mess state had better end soon), or I will be very cross.

I wonder if threatening the Universe works just as well as "Asking the Universe?"
Continue reading...

Sunday, November 20, 2005

Not a Happy Birthday Poem

will these words calm me down
soothe my mind
put me back to sleep
if I ask nicely
will you save me

will these thoughts die a silent death
will I be their only witness

every clarifying thought hurts
every choice leads me further away
and I don't always like it here in my universe
Continue reading...

Friday, November 18, 2005

Firefly & Battlestar Galactica

I am halfway through the TV series and I am officially hooked. So much so that I expect I will finish the rest of the series within a week, if not by the end of the weekend.

The first couple of episodes were a bit lame, but it has gotten better and/or I have gotten into the characters. It is one of the few things on TV that can make me laugh out loud.

Once I have finished with Firefly and Serenity I think I will try Battlestar Galactica again. I adored the original Battlestar Galactica but never really got around to watching the new version. Mostly because of the time slot but also because I didn't like the idea of Starbuck being female and Boomer being organic and human. But "edgier and racier than its predecessor" sounds good. And I like the idea of complexity and plot twists.

Continue reading...

The Intelligence Dilemma

David recently posted a comment someone made to him:
"You are one of the most intelligent people I've ever met in my whole life."

It made me laugh. Not because it's not true, although I suspect it is, but because I have had similar experiences. Recently I have had a lot of the "wow you are intelligent" type comments. I assume they are meant as a compliment, but that is not how I take them.

For some strange reason people seem to think I am very intelligent. Which is fine. They can think what they like. The annoying thing is when they say it as a compliment. I just don't find compliments about how great my brain is very complimentary. Why not?

First, of all I am not that intelligent. I have done tests that prove it.

Second, so what?

Third, being perceived as a very intelligent female is not a good thing. I suspect I intimidate guys. Only intelligent guys interest me. And, despite what they say about wanting an intelligent female, I think most intelligent guys really only want an intelligent female as long as she is less intelligent than they are.

Fourth, it feels like they can't think of anything else to say, so they are fumbling at the bottom of the compliment barrel. So if someone says I am intelligent then obviously they don't think I am interesting or cool or fun or attractive or any of the other more important things. You don't tell girls that they are intelligent. You tell them that they are pretty. And if they are not pretty, then you find something nice to say about their appearance, or you don't say anything at all.

Fifth, people have expectations of how I should think. For example sometimes I get the feeling people think the following: "I am intelligent. Suze is intelligent. Therefore Suze should think like me." Then they get upset when I don't think like them. I know I shouldn't worry about what other people think, but I don't like upsetting people unneccessarily. If they thought I was stupid then they wouldn't get upset about me thinking "stupid" things. I don't like feeling like I am not allowed to think and believe dumb things.

Sixth, although it is meant as a compliment, it actually makes me feel left out. It makes the "not belonging" feeling larger. It makes me feel like I am a freak.

And really... I am not that intelligent!!! Just look at all the dumb things I say on this blog.

Continue reading...

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Python is pretty cool

...but also a little annoying. I am not the sort of person who likes worrying about tabs and indentation and backslashes being escape characters. Actually, that's not true. I adore those things the first few times when I am "figuring out what is wrong." Afterwards when the "figuring out what is wrong" turns into "crap typing and attention to detail skills", that's when I hate it.

Anyway, I am very pleased with myself because I wrote a couple of python scripts (I don't know python) to do something that would've taken around 60 hours of tedious mouse-clicking. And the coding only took a quarter of the time I thought it would.

Of course the scripts aren't perfect and I could spend hours making them better, but there is a balance/trade-off point between spending time automating smething and doing some parts manually.

Continue reading...

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

The Molecules Of Emotion

Watching What The Bleep reminded me of a really good book I read a couple of years ago: The Molecules of Emotion: The Science Behind Mind-Body Medicine by Candace Pert. It is an autobiography but it is also introduces the scientific ideas in an easy to understand way.

I found the book very interesting for several reasons:
a) The subject matter is inherently fascinating to me: that neuropeptides might be responsible for our emotions and might form the interface between mind and body. It was a nice easy introduction ot the topis, and besides I just like neuroscience.

b) It was an interesting account of a woman scientist in a male dominated world and the obstacles she came up against.

c) Candace's journey from hard science to hard science with a spiritual edge.

d) It was a peek into the world of drug companies and money above health, which I must admit lines up with my previously conceived ideas about bad drug companies only wanting to make money and wanting to keep/make people sick so as to continue making money (well that's what I would do if money was the only thing that mattered and I was a drug company).

I'd review the book properly, but it was a while since I read it and my copy is out in the wild somewhere. Actually, it is not in the wild, it is just visiting with someone and I can't remember who. If it's you, I'd like it back soon. Ta.
Continue reading...

Monday, November 14, 2005

Note To Self #1

If you say/think "bring it on" do not be surprised when things are in fact brought on.
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James Blunt

How can I like James Blunt? It doesn't seem right, but I do. Maybe I am getting old. Or maybe there is some edginess hiding somewhere in the songs.

I got the album "Back To Bedlam" recently and have been thrashing it ever since.

It is bizarre because I don't usually go for that sort of radio-friendly mellow singer-songwriter thing. It is also bizarre given my other most recent musical obsessions (Depeche Mode, Goldfrapp, Tegan & Sara).

Prior to buying the album I had only heard "You're Beautiful", which I thought was OK, but a bit soppy and a bit boring. "You're Beautiful" is one of my least favourite songs on the album. I like "High" and "No Bravery" best. There are a few 'press skip' songs and a few 'press repeat' songs.

On first listen, I thought 'How Depressing! this album will make me cry!.' But I guess that is because it is beautiful. And maybe I like it because it makes me cry.
Beautiful dawn - melt with the stars again.
Do you remember the day when my journey began?
Will you remember the end (of time)?
Beautiful dawn - You're just blowing my mind again.
Thought I was born to endless night, until you shine.
High; running wild among all the stars above.

Sometimes it's hard to believe you remember me.

- from "High" by James Blunt

Continue reading...

Sunday, November 13, 2005


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Thursday, November 10, 2005

How Far Down the Rabbit Hole?

All the way. No question. No hesitation.

So I went to see What The Bleep Do We Know last night. My life is not sufficiently strange. Not sufficiently intense. Not sufficiently full of synchronicities. I was hoping for a revelation or an epiphany or something. I was a little disappointed. Perhaps the revelation is not in the movie but in the way I perceived it.

The movie was more interesting than most movies I see, it had some cool parts, and I am glad I saw it. Of course, I was never not going to see it. It was one of those forgone conclusions. However, parts of it were a little annoying, a little boring, a little lacking in content.

I like many of the concepts presented (perception = reality, creating your own reality)...but there was not enough detail for me. However, the thing that really bugged me was the religious-like attitude of the "experts" towards the various new paradigms: "I Am God, We Are One", "Quantum Theory and Spirituality" etc. Their attitude seemed to be that the old ways are wrong and that their new paradigm is right. It was particularly unpalatable when the movie also seemed to be trying to communicate the message of "there is no wrong." Personally I think there is no wrong, but that's just me. Anyway, who are proponents of "you create of your own reality" to say that "there are no wrongs?" Or am I just being pedantic?

Still. It could be a life-changing movie for many people. And it could be a good introduction to various spiritual/quantum-physics/consciousnnes topics for non-scientific and non-spiritual types. It is just that I am relatively well read in the areas in question, so I didn't learn a lot content wise. But like I said before, perhaps that is not why I went to the movie.

Having said all that, I am sure it will be a magical movie for many...and that is what matters. Anything that is magical for someone, anyone, is a good thing. There are doors behind doors and truths behind truths.
Continue reading...

Wellington was gorgeous...

...with glorious, although slightly chilly, weather. I spent most of my spare time soaking up the sun and on Cuba Street. As per usual, I spent a large percentage of my money and time in Frutti.

I did learn a couple of useful things:
1. Do not pack for a trip when you are hungover. If you have a party with alcohol the evening before a flight, make sure that you pack before the party. I can't believe the stupid things I packed (goth jewellery and three bikinis) and the essential things that I forgot (socks, toothbrush, fancy dress costume, warm clothes!!).

2. Flying with a hangover is NOT fun. Nevertheless it is not bad enough to deter drinking the night before. I had a hangover on the flight down, and another hangover on the flight back.

Continue reading...

Friday, November 04, 2005

Monday 9am TV

Films/books that make me think are really the only films/books that I like. This is the main reason that I like speculative fiction (eg SF/Fantasy).

Here is a place with short films that might make me think. Inspirational. Thought-provoking. Beautiful.
Monday 9am TV: "short films that do something"
(via the synchronicity of life)
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Wednesday, November 02, 2005

savage chickens

Savage Chickens via Dan's Horrendous Waste of Bandwidth.
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Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Excuse me while I go hide in my closet...

Thanks to David for reminding me I do have a closet away from prying eyes. Actually, I have several.

One of the reasons I started writing here was because I need somewhere to express stuff. I know that some of my posts look like chaotic over-emotional silly self-absorbed messes. Imagine what would happen if I left those messes inside of me. Now imagine if you had all those messes (and lots of other messier messes that I haven't told you) inside of you.

For those of you who have someone to complain about your day to and to chat to about mundane things with, and to share your latest stupid discovery with, and to have deep and meaningfuls with and to be absolutely yourself around ... do you realise what you have? how lucky you are?

Here. Now. I feel like I have to censor my words, which feels like censoring my thoughts and feelings, which feels like chaining and gagging myself.

I love and appreciate having readers, but it is a responsibility.
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jamming at sunset
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