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Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Last Night's Dream

Actually one of many!

I requested dream guidance and as I was drifitng off to sleep it was like a reel of short films started playing in my head. That has never happened before.

I woke up this morning feeling like I had spent the whole night dreaming. I even remembered a couple of the dreams, which is very unusual. Here is the dream I had before I woke up:

I was in what felt like a primary school. Not the primary school I went to or even a real primary school, it just had a primary school feeling. I am as I am now, but it wasn't weird because age didn't matter and everyone else was ageless too.

I don't remember the environment in detail but there was a lot of very pale yellow everywhere. I'm not sure if it was the clothes we were wearing, the buildings, or just the tone of the light. Actually, all the details (people, faces, location) were unclear. I don't think the details mattered. I think it was more the idea that mattered.

We were in groups and we were supposed to be learning a dance for some sort of show. But the teachers didn't have the dance steps yet. Our group (or maybe it was just me, I can't remember) would go up and ask to learn the dance, but we were told to wait - to be patient. Apparently they wouldn't receive the dance instructions until just before we were meant to perform this dance. I was annoyed because getting the instructions just before meant that we couldn't practice. I couldn't see how that would work. How were we going to perform the dance if we didn't know the steps?! The teachers were completely unconcerned about such things as having to practice or even knowing the steps beforehand.

Possible Interpretations:

The dance could be life. Knowing the steps could be wanting to know what is going to happen to practise for life. Waiting to dance could be right now, doing what you are doing, including your Phd. When that part of your life is complete and it's time to dance, only then will you know what you are going to do.

Maybe the goal is working on being ok with that. I'm guessing as a person who uses the Tarot, you like to know in advance what is going to happen?
That is an interesting interpretation. My life does feel like it is sort of on hold/waiting. I am not thrilled about it. I am impatient in many ways.

I don't think I need to know the future though. I don't read tarot to find out what is going to happen, I read tarot to try and decide what to do now. Most of the time I am very indecisive. Probably because I see benefits in all choices.

I'll preface by saying that I am not one who believes in fate (or Fate), or in spirituality, or in a Cosmic Purpose, or in the "interconnectedness of all things" (in anything other than the trivial meanings), or that dreams "mean" anything that can be interpreted. These things just don't make sense for me. Not to disparage your beliefs: they're yours and you're entitled to them.

That being said, for me, I think searching the cosmos for where you're "supposed" to be in the grand scheme of things is potentially a recipe for disappointment. If you're happy, then you can tell yourself that you are where you're "supposed" to be. If you're not happy, I think it's too easy to fall into the trap of putting yourself down for not "reading the signs" properly, or not "listening to the universe" properly, or simply being mad at the universe for not putting you where you want to be.

If I'm somewhere in my life that I don't want to be, and I want to change it, I would do something like the following:

** Have a clear idea of what it is that's wrong and what I would like to be different. If you are honest with yourself, you really know what you want to be different.

** Have an understanding of the things I can not change

** Have an understanding of the things I *can* change.

** Work on the things I can change.

I don't think there is an *Answer* to where you're supposed to be, and I don't think there is any "supposed to" in that context. The universe (again, in my view) is random, and to try to find a meaning behind the randomness is a way to make yourself nuts unnecessarily. The visible world is crazy enough without trying to interpret an invisible world that may or may not be there.
David, you are such a scientist! :)

Your steps for change are what I do somewhere around here:

3 Decide I need to make a plan.
4 I make a plan and feel better.

I am not sure I see the difference between your view and my view. Sure the externals are different, but at the heart of it they seem similar. I tend to use all the flaky stuff as a tool to help me with the steps you have outlined.

The reasons I do the "Universe" thing are I suspect the same reasons why other people do the religion thing and why do you your rational thing:
It makes me feel better.
It works (for me) - ie helps with decision making and figuring out what I want and what I need to do.

I agree with you in a sense...there is no "answer" to where you are supposed to be.

There is a lot more I want to say, but I'll stop here and come back to it later.
you are such a scientist!

I am a programmer. We tend to (1) think every problem has at least one solution (some more elegant than others), and (2) break every problem down to its smallest components.

Of course, the fact that I am studiously trying to avoid actual work at the moment contributes to my posting here, but that's besides the point. I think.
Hi David, I'm a programmer too. :P
I think most of us are programmers...
Suze, the thing with decision making is that if you have an idea of where you want to get to, then all possibilities are not equal. If you don't decide for yourself, then external forces decide for you.

Is it fear of commitment to anything that makes you indecisive?
BTW Suze, most of the bloggers I come across are not programmers. Maybe politics attracts different kinds of people.
Yeah...I am a commitment-phobe!

I am not sure why I am indecisive. It could be the not wanting to commit.

The interesting thing with the Phd decision (to quit or continue) has been that I have had to make it several times. Each time I have decided to continue, but then something came up to impede progress. Sometimes the "something" has been avoidable sometimes not.

Of course, with my "decision-making" I try to keep all options open...which I suppose is not really decision making at all.
How much time do you have left on your Phd? Did you make the decision to do it because you wanted it or because you couldn't think of anything else to do, ie did you allow yourself to drift into it?

I hope you don't mind all these questions. I find the point of decision making (choice) very interesting. I'm also a teacher of the Alexander Technique, and the point where you are able to choose is very important there.

The way I make decisions is to know what my back out points are if things don't go well. I normally have at least one.

I'm also in the process of throwing away years of work because it's not going to get me anywhere. I'm not too fussed really, it was never my dream in the first place. More something I decided to go for, because what is the point of doing something if you hold back?
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