Bright Copper Kettles

A Guidance System Overhaul. That's what I need. Or maybe I should just get a new model. My current system does not seem to be working satisfactorily.

I have been thinking about the ways that different people go about changing their lives and deciding which path to follow. It seems that other people's guidance systems are more direct, blunt, obvious. There are often strong pushes or pulls that force people to do things they wouldn't have done without the external motivation. For example, Bob A seems to be guided by girls. He falls in love and changes his life. He falls in lust and changes his life. Actually, Bob B is like that too. Much of what he has chosen to do has been based on either a push or a pull from a significant other. Maybe all Bob's are like that. None of the Bob's seem to go for more than a few months without girl guidance.

I kind of wish my guidance system was as fun or at least as direct. Most of the time I don't know it is even there.

My guidance system (if you can even call it that) works through my intuition. I have a premonition, or I have strong nebulous feelings about people. That's it. I usually only get the feeling that someone is significant. Sometimes, if I'm lucky, I will get some idea about how they are significant (eg "Bob will hurt you"). It is up to me to figure what the hell it means and decide whether or not to act on it.

Regular readers will know that I am feeling lost and unhappy at the moment. Well, it has been like this for several years. Until very recently the last time I got a very strong feeling about what I needed to do was over 3 years ago.

I don't like drifting so I have tried lots of things to get myself out of this place. This is how it goes:

1. Ask for guidance - no response.
2. Decide I want to leave.
3. Decide I need to make a plan.
4. I make a plan and feel better.
5. Then almost as soon as I start to action the plan a few days later life intervenes (usually dramatically) and makes the plan completely unworkable. I think I complained about this before and David mentioned something about God laughing at plans. So true.
   
6. Have a small breakdown.
7. Fix the thing that brought about the dramatic intervention.
8. Resume drifting.
9. Realise I am back to where I started and that I hate drifting.
10. Repeat.

It would be so much easier and more fun if I fell in love with someone so I could attach myself to their guidance system.

The other reason why I think my guidance system may be f*&ck*d is that my only recent very strong feeling, looks like it may have been completely wrong. Of course, it was an extremely vague feeling, despite it's strength, so I suppose I could have the interpretation wrong.

All I can do now is hope that my guidance system is actually working. Perhaps I am supposed to be here drifting and things have happened to stop me leaving for a reason. Sometimes it really feels like events have conspired to keep me here against my will, which is one reason why I get extremely and irrationally jealous of friends who can actually leave and it is also why I get very annoyed when they tell me I could leave to if I wanted and that I just need a plan.