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Thursday, September 22, 2005

I hate my life

Thanks to the encouragement of random people who I have never met before here is a rant post.

I'm pretty sure it will turn out to be whiny and complaining and very very long.

First of all. I KNOW I have chosen my life. I know I should be grateful and happy because I am alive and I am healthy and I have more than most people in the world and I have people who care.... but I am not and life just makes me want to scream and throw tantrums because IT'S NOT FAIR!!!! In fact I spent last night screaming into my pillow because I didn't want to disturb the neighbours.

Apparently the Universe has seen fit to dump lots of major stressors on me all at once. Here is a list of everything that is stressful and/or annoying and/or upsetting:
1) No money. Sure I can clothe, feed, and shelter myself, but I have no money to pay off debt, save, or go out and drown my sorrows.
2) Work. Stressful projects. Working evenings, weekends. The usual.
3) I am moving desks at work. I hate packing. Especially packing to move to a worse location while in the absolute middle of the stressful project with the end of September deadline. I am not sure whether to be thankful that I can't work this weekend or not. It just means more stress next week.
4) No money. I ought to go to the doctor, optometrist, dentist, but I would rather not spend all my disposable income on that. So I won't go to any of them.
5) The dreaded thesis. I don't even want to think about it.
6) No time.
7) Various family dramas, which I am trying to ignore but which are just contrubting to the genreal unpleasantness.
8) No one wants me Part 1: I don't qualify for UK immigration. I have toyed with idea of earning pounds and solving one of my problems, but now I find out I can't. How depressing! I suppose that means I won't qualify for any other country either.
9) I am jealous of all my friends who can buy houses, have partners, can go on holiday, can leave the country, have money. Oh, and while I am on the topic of friends : I am pissed off with all my friends who leave or are planning to leave and don't pay tax yet still vote for Labour because they are happy to have high taxes because they want to help those people who need help. Fuck!
10) All the little things seem to be going wrong: continually missing the bus, lots of paper cuts and bumps and bruises, continual computer crashes.
11) I am lonely. All my closest friends leave.
12) My stomach is sore.
13) No one wants me Part 2: I am so sick of being second best...I seem to have a disturbing number of friends who like me, but not as much as their girlfriend/wife/partner/dream girlfriend. I also seem to have a lot of friends who hang out only when they are single. I try not to think that they are using me, but that is what it seems like.
14) I am getting fat and I am not even eating much. And my pants keep falling down. That is one of the most annoying things: pants/skirts falling down when you are fat.
15) No one wants me Part 3: Yep. Still single.
16) Did I say no money?

But it is not really the money. Worrying about money is just a very effective pressuriser. And if you apply enough pressure then all my insides are squeezed out and I don't cope very well.

So what's my problem? I used to think my problem was that I was lost. Now I'm not so sure. I would be quite happy being lost if I wasn't alone.

I think my problem is that I am lonely. So lonely that if I stop to think about it in the middle of work I start crying and have to hide in the bathroom. Today at work tears were continually leaking out of my eyes. I should cry lots now so I don't have to cry all through tomorrow.

And to my lovely friends: before you invite me round to hang out I will say thank you, it is much appreciated but no. Friends are not enough, especially coupled-up friends.

The end. I'm not sure if that helped. I have set aside the weekend for "Sulking" and "Wallowing." I only hope I can hold it together until the end of the week.

Hi Suze :)

Now that you've got that out, you need to make a huge list of what you want. What do you want out of life?
Hmmm that list might have to wait until I have a better answer than "I don't know" or "Nothing" or "anything but this" or "everything I can't have."
Oh wait. I do know:

I want to feel the-opposite-of-lonely.
I want someone I can talk to about this shit instead of blogging it to wise but unknown strangers. I don't want to go through this alone again and again.
I want someone I can be myself with.
I want someone who is there for me when I need them. I want someone who is there when I am dying or when I think I am dying.
I want someone who makes me feel beautiful & sexy & fun & happy & loved.
I want someone who loves me best of all.

It was never about the money.
Ok, this is good. A huge part of changing what is happening is allowing yourself to want something specific. Then you have to be open to it happening.

Also, watch your internal dialogue, the voice in your head - is it positive or negative about yourself. If it's negative, change it to positive.

I've got to go to bed, so I'll look in on you tomorrow.

BTW, I still haven't finished the Arithon book, I've stopped just short of the end of the book because the ending looks bad. I'll probably read it when I get the next book. Hopefully it won't be long.

Being lonely... sucks.

Being second (or third, or n-th) on the friend list... sucks.

No money... sucks.

Minor irritations (work, family, home)... suck.

They all suck majorly, and each one can make all of the others worse. You've read my similar rants. The solution? Who the frig knows? The hardest thing in the world is convincing yourself you don't care about those things. Finding distractions has helped me. In my case, it's been the music. That is an occasional, somewhat effective opiate for me.
Thanks for your questions/comments.

I have known vaguely what I want for a long time. Hopefully a little clarity will help.

I have also been trying various things to change the situation for years (eg going out and being active, accepting all invitations, letting go, being positive, being happy by myself, etc). I'm not sure what else is left to try.

Noticing friends having what I want with no apparent effort is depressing. Having nothing to show for my efforts is depressing....and always leads to the "what is wrong with me?" question.

PS: That last Arithon book wasn't that good, particularly the ending. Waiting for the next book is an excellent idea.
I understand the depression thing, that's where you try to stop feeling to numb yourself. You might want to also try cutting out bread to see if gluten is a trigger - for a lot of people it is. It definately is for me. Pain in the arse when you can eat something and then feel like crap for the rest of the day.

With deciding what you want, be really clear. Don't think, "I want lots of money", think "I want $100 a week more". Once you are specific, your subconscious can start working on the how - lots of money is too vague, so it can't really work out how to do that. The other interesting thing is when you say what you want, you can try to notice what feelings come up - those feelings can point to either something holding you back or not actually wanting the thing asked for in the first place.

Saying what you want out loud and every day also makes a big difference. It gives it more power and reinforces daily what you are working towards.

With the acceptance of all invites - don't accept if you don't want to. By accepting everything you allow your life to be defined by others including you in theirs. You decide - don't leave your fate in other people's hands. Also decide who you want to hang out with, invite them to do something, if you want to.

Thanks for the suggestions. I will have a ponder. They are much more helpful than the "join a group" or "volunteer" variety.

And I think I will conduct a gluten/mood experiment on myself.
Hey Suze, my girl swears by the gluten free thing....

I swear by the beer thing myself.
I am finding the gluten free thing difficult already!
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