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Friday, September 16, 2005

It's Lonely Here

It has just dawned on me. I don't belong in this country and it is quite likely I don't belong on this planet. It is very depressing!

Today I had lunch with Bob and we discussed politics, or to be more accurate I asked Bob questions and he explained his viewpoint. Bob is a staunch, no question about it Labour supporter. Unlike all my other Labour supporter friends, who are creative types, Bob is more business-like.

Bob believes that people can't be trusted to make the right decisions and that ideally there would be a benevolent monarch with a vision in charge of our country. Bob didn't say it, but I suspect that he meant that the benevolent monarch's vision should coincide with Bob's vision.

Bob and I agree that getting rid of absolute poverty is a good thing. But we disagree on the relative poverty thing. Bob thinks that relative poverty is a bad thing.

Anyway I realised that most people want to remain asleep and not have to take responsibility and make decisions, or they are like Bob they want to ensure that everyone conforms. Maybe they are right. Maybe that's what everyone wants, in which case I need to emigrate to Mars or the South of France.

It is lonely because I don't know anyone who has the same outlook on life that I do. My friends who are not Labour/Green supporters (ummm...lets see are there any?...oh, yes there might be one) disagree strongly with my views on everything else (eg personal freedoms and relationships and spirtuality etc).

Now most of the time I don't mind being different or being seen as eccentric. In fact people think I am eccentric even when I am trying to be normal. I am sure most people don't realise that most of the time I am holding some part of myself back in order to make life run smoothly and not offend. I am used to it. I understand people. The other Bob thinks I am socially inept because I don't know how to fit in. He is wrong. I know exactly how to fit in but choose not to because I don't want to pretend that much and I don't like the idea of manipulating people.

But some days it all gets too difficult and depressing and I realise just how lonely I am. What I wouldn't give for someone who really understands me.


Welcome to the life of those who think for themselves and don't conform to one of the several herds available to those who need to be belong.

When you actually *think* and don't just *accept* what a particular group's beliefs are, you run the risk of always being an outsider.

If I have discussions with Republicans, I generally oppose their positions (esp. with regard to our current president). Hence, they automatically believe that I'm a Democrat, and will begin attacking Democratic politicians or positions, and they are confused when I agree with their attacks. I have to explain that just because I'm not a Republican doesn't mean I'm a Democrat. Most people can't understand that, so it generally serves to confuse people sufficiently to amuse me.

I try to find amusement in being unique. And like-minded people in, say, New Zealand. Even astrology-believing ones. :)
Quote: I know exactly how to fit in but choose not to...

I envy you that ability then. I have never known how to change my personality to "fit in". When I was younger, that mattered quite a bit. It doesn't bother me that much any more.

I'm reminded of some of the lyrics to the Rush song "Cut to the Chase" (yes, I can way too often find appropriate lyrics from a Rush song):

Young enough not to care too much
About the way things used to be
I'm young enough to remember the future
The past has no claim on me

I'm old enough not to care too much
About what you think of me

But I'm young enough to remember the future
And the way things ought to be

You and your Rush lyrics! ;)

Knowing what I need to do to fit in and actually doing it are two different things. The older and more self-aware I get the more energy draining "fitting in" becomes.

Maybe it is more accuate to say that I choose not to act in a "fitting in way" because it would make me feel exhausted and sick. Which is a little different from choosing not to fit in because I don't care what people think. I care what people think. It's just that I care about my health more.

A sentence from one of my astrology reports has stuck in my mind: the weirder I appear to the outside world, the more comfortable I will be in my own skin. Or something like that.
Suze,I know excaly what you mean.

Not only my political views but my musical tastes, manner of dress and hobbies are very different to most people I know, even my closest friends.

I tend to try to 'fit in' more around people I don't know (cowardice or good manners?) than with friends and family.

EXOCET, I can never decide whether "fitting in" is cowardice or good manners. Maybe it's just easier.
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