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Monday, October 31, 2005

Autism Spectrum Quotient

I scored 21 on the Autism Spectrum Quotient quiz .
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This Blog

This blog is just a place for me to record my thoughts. As such there will be periods of insightful commentary, periods of stupid quizzes, periods of moping and periods of link blasts etc. Once in a while I put effort into writing, mostly I just write what I think and feel. Expect randomness, moodiness and honesty; expect variation in quality; expect most of the posts to be crap.

I am not trying to be impress people or to write publication worthy words. I am not trying to convince anyone of anything. I am not trying to be popular and increase the number of visitors. If that was what I wanted then I'd write about sex.

Early on I had an internal debate about whether I should have standards and censor myself. I decided a) to screw the standards and b) to not write posts about certain topics.

I am writing for myself. If other people read and comment, cool. If not, also cool.
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Spring in Albert Park

Oh yay. It is spring and I get to walk through Albert Park, complete with lovey-dovey couples, several times a day. Lucky me.

Just now I had a little panic attack of sorts. Sometimes I think the wiring in my brain is a little screwed up. I will have to prepare myself for future trips through the park. Maybe if I make a list of things to be grateful for, or get a song stuck in my head or something....anything.

Or maybe I should just walk around.
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Sunday, October 30, 2005

New Toy

Ooooh....a new toy to play with!!!!

The new Sir Humphrey's site is sort of working. I love figuring out how new things work and clicking new buttons and stuff. I love seeing new things appear each time I visit. Of course all the content and thoughtful comments are still over at the old Sir Humphreys.

I think my fascination and participation will disappear when content is moved across and it becomes all serious and political again. But at the moment it is like a fun sandbox. Of course, it would be even more fun if it was my sandbox, but that will have to wait.

PS I like what Drupal seems like it is capable of doing. Crap name. Cool tool.
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Things Google Doesn't Know

I have been searching for the following information with no luck. It seems I am going to have to figure these things out by myself. I'd welcome any information/answers/tips about these topics...although I guess if Google doesn't know, then no-one knows.

1. Open-Plan Office Survival Tips for Introverts
2. DIY Emotional Support/Intimacy

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Maybe God

What's it been? Not quite a month? Maybe three weeks? Three weeks of happy, well more like 1 week of happy and 2 weeks of content. That's pretty good.

But it seems that the effort needed to feel that way keeps escalating. I have been doing everything "right": eating well, exercising, getting enough sleep, thinking positive thoughts, setting goals, actively initiating social activities, having an open and relaxed attitude. It is all getting too much and more importantly it is not working.

Sometimes I wish I had it in me to believe in God.
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Saturday, October 29, 2005

where do i go

I'm tired of planning
I'm tired of trying
I'm tired of striving for all of the invited things just beyond my reach
I'm tired of trusting
I'm tired of being
I'm tired of just letting go
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Wednesday, October 26, 2005

A hunting we will go...

The "Adult Edition" (I have no idea but intend to find out) of the brilliant "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time" is in the wild. Possibly in Newmarket...

Must don suitable Huntress persona. Although I kind of prefer Hecate to Artemis...
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Forest Girl is Drowning and Lost in a Tangential Tangerine Dream

Sometimes I wish I was back in the Renaissance with Leonardo. No, not The Titanic Leonardo, the da Vinci one.

I like knowing a little bit about everything; I prefer A Forest to the individual trees.

Suddenly I stop; But I know it’s too late; I’m lost in a forest...

There is too much information and it feels like I am drowning. I can barely keep up with knowing all the things I don't know anything about. Did that make sense? If not, too bad. A corollary to the information glut is the lack of time. Maybe I should borrow Hal's Tardis. Don't you like how Hal sounds similar to Hell?

Sorry. Distracted. But it gives you a glimpse into the state of my mind at the moment. But I do have a point somewhere. Too much information. Too many interesting things that I want to do. Not enough time.

D's very useful and filed away for future reference post on Javascript links is what prompted this somewhat rambling spiel. Javascript is something I don't actually know yet but think I would like to learn. I have a vague idea about what AJAX is and why I should have a slightly less vague idea about it. But, I can't see me finding time to actually find out any more about it unless I have to use it for some project at work.

Knowledge, technology and the interweb is all very nice and stuff but it is making it impossible to be any sort of respectable renaissance girl. As much as I hate to admit it I don't think it is possible to be an artist, dancer, rock-chick, physicist, geologist, astronomer, astrologer, psychologist, web developer, oceanographer, graphic designer, actor, gypsy, event planner, dolphin, writer, poet, anthropologist, programmer, engineer, composer, interior decorator, religious leader, and philosopher all at once. It is not even possible to keep up with the bare minimum in all the areas I am interested in. I can't even keep up with current affairs.

On days like today I am depressed because I think that the Brave New World belongs to the specialists ... and to those who don't go off on tangents.
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Tuesday, October 25, 2005

I Am Too A Naturalist Thinker

The BBC's What Type of Thinker Are You quiz (preceding post) could have better questions.

I probably got a very low Naturalist Thinker score. Not because I am not a Naturalist Thinker (I think I am) but because of the questions they asked me. I answered the quiz honestly and didn't do the thing I sometimes do when I answer what I think the intention of the question is instead of answering the actual question.

I assume that the questions on the quiz that relate to the Naturalist Thinker were the ones of the type: do you have pets? do you have plants? do you like animals? No, I don't have pets. No, I don't have plants (well at least never for very long). And no, I don't like animals. But that has nothing to do with it.

Just because I don't want the responsibility of looking after living things and because I don't think it is fair to have a cat or dog if you live in an apartment and because I am absentminded when it comes to boring things like watering and feeding doesn't mean I am not a Naturalist thinker. It just means that I am unselfish and self-aware. It could also mean that I am busy and like having the freedom to leave whenever I want and not come back to dead plants and animals. If I want to hang out with plants or animals I can just borrow other people's. It's like the "borrowing other people's children/boyfriends/husbands" thing. Very convenient and much less work.

But I'm getting off topic. What is a Naturalist Thinker? According to the test results:

1. "A Naturalist Thinker likes "to understand the natural world, and the living beings that inhabit it."
Tick! That sounds like me. I like to understand things. Quite possibly to an annoying extent.

2. "A Naturalist Thinker has "an aptitude for communicating with animals."
Yes. I am very good at telling animals to "go away." and "leave me alone." Just because I don't like most animals doesn't mean I don't have an aptitude for communicating with them.

3. "A Naturalist Thinker tries "to understand patterns of life and natural forces."
I am good at the patterns of life thing, and I like it. I could quite happily be a meteorologist, astronomer, geologist (don't laugh!), oceanographer, physicist etc.
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Monday, October 24, 2005

Quiz: What Type of Thinker Are You?

What Kind of Mind Do You Have? (via Zen State)

I got three results. Apparently I am a Spatial Thinker, a Musical Thinker, and an Existential Thinker. Other similar types of tests have given me very high results for Logical (the pattern recognition/problem solving part NOT the adding and subtracting part. I suck at math, but that's what computers are for, right?), Linguistic, Interpersonal, Intrapersonal, and Kinaesthetic.

I wonder if this means I am a Rennaisance girl? Or maybe it just means I am indecisive. Or maybe I am indecisive because I am a Rennaisance girl ... so many possibilities...

Anyway, my quiz results are below. I have highlighted appealing career options in red because I am due for another career crisis anytime soon. When it occurs I can look back at this post and say yes if "Religious Leader" is a valid career choice, then it is not all that much of a stretch to think that "Goddess" is also a valid career choice. Besides, given that I don't agree completely with any existing religion, working in the religion industry will work out much better if I start my own religion.
Spatial Thinkers:
* Tend to think in pictures, and can develop good mental models of the physical world.
* Think well in three dimensions
* Have a flair for working with objects

Spatial Thinkers include
Leonardo da Vinci, Pablo Picasso, Michelangelo, Isambard Kingdom Brunel

Careers which suit Spatial Thinkers include
Mechanic, Photographer, Artist, Architect, Engineer, Builder, Set designer

Musical thinkers:
* Tend to think in sounds, and may also think in rhythms and melodies
* Are sensitive to the sounds and rhythms of words as well as their meanings.
* Feel a strong connection between music and emotions

Musical Thinkers include
Leonardo da Vinci, Mozart, John Lennon, Jimi Hendrix

Careers which suit Musical Thinkers include
Musician, Music teacher, Sound engineer, Recording technician

Existential thinkers:

* Like to spend time thinking about philosophical issues such as "What is the meaning of life?"
* Try to see beyond the 'here and now', and understand deeper meanings
* consider moral and ethical implications of problems as well as practical solutions

Existential Thinkers include
Leonardo da VinciThe Buddha, Gandhi, Plato, Socrates, Martin Luther King

Careers which suit Existential Thinkers include
Philosopher, Religious leader, Head of state, Artist, Writer

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Sunday, October 23, 2005

Cucumber Cocktail Recipe

1. muddle chunk of cucumber and half lime in a cocktail shaker
2. add 2 measures of vodka and ice
3. shake
4. pour into a glass
5. top up with lemonade

I have only tried this with plain vodka so far. It is a very refreshing drink. Next I am going to try it without the lemonade, and then I might try it with honey vodka. Honey and cucumber could be really disgusting, or it could be delicious. I'm not sure which it will be.

I also think cucumber will go well with gin. But I am not sure I have any gin at the moment. Oooh...I just had a thought! I could have a cucumber version of a Long Iced Tea replacing the coke with lemonade.

: Cucmber and Honey vodka is an "interesting" taste sensation. Only just drinkable yet different enough that I had a couple of glasses and may drink it again.
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Gay marriage is wrong because...

Found this at Whinging in New Zealand (original). It's funny!

10 reasons why gay marriages should be illegal.

I like these the best:
01) Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.

04) Straight marriage has been around a long time and hasn't changed at all; women are still property, blacks still can't marry whites, and divorce is still illegal.

05) Straight marriage will be less meaningful if gay marriage were allowed; the sanctity of Britany Spears' 55-hour just-for-fun marriage would be destroyed.
You can read all 10 reasons here.
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Quiz: What Kind of Yarn Are You?

OK. So I have been skimming some knitting blogs and came across this quiz.

I am Shetland Wool. It's a little wrong though as I don't think I am traditional or acerbic. I am liking the reverence thing though...

You are Shetland Wool.
You are a traditional sort who can sometimes be a little on the harsh side. Though you look delicate you are tough as nails and prone to intricacies. Despite your acerbic ways you are widely respected and even revered.

What kind of yarn are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
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Saturday, October 22, 2005

sandcastles for you

there is a god here on the sand
watching from your eyes
watching my mind take form through my hands
sandcastles for you
maybe you will understand before the waves wash my thoughts away
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TV Listings

It is a rainy long weekend and I am thinking either I go buy Firefly on DVD and pray that my dvd player works after dropping it on the ground several times or maybe I will watch some TV for a change.

So I go to my favourite tv listing page (a nice simple, easy to read table of the programmes for all tv channels) and find that TVNZ told them to stop. Apparently you have to pay to publish TV listings or some such silliness. There is a Listener article by Russell Brown about the issue here if you want details.

How annoying.

This means I have to go to the TVNZ website if I want to find out what is on. I don't mind the TV3 website, but I intensely dislike the TVNZ website. There is no way I am going to visit it to find programme schedules.

The solution is to continue to not watch TVNZ, which I am sure is no great loss. I wonder if this is their intended outcome?
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Shopping is Boring

I went on a little shopping expedition today.

I used to like shopping and buying things, especially clothes/jewellery that I would never wear, books I'd never read, and makeup that I'd never use. Now I find it boring. I wonder if it's because I don't have spare money or because I've outgrown shopping or because I have more than enough stuff?

Today I had a list of things I intended to buy:
From Lush: Dream Cream for my stressed out skin, some sort of conditioning shower gel/soap, and Coolaulin conditioner from Lush. Coolaulin is one of my favourite hair products. It is the best conditioners I've found for taming and defrizzing my curly hair.
From Wherever: canvases

So here is how my shopping expedition went:
  • Whitcoulls - 5 minutes looking at canvases. There weren't any in the size and shape I wanted so I left. I did not buy any books. I didn't even look at any books.
  • Lush - 10 minutes choosing a couple of buttercreams and checking out the new products. Then I bought the things on my list. Nothing more.
  • Warehouse - 5 minutes looking at canvases. Nothing suitable.
  • Art Shop - closed.
This expedition included walking up and down Queen St and High St which has lots of cool designer clothes shops. I even walked past a massive "this weekend only" makeup clearance sale without pausing.

I wonder if my disinterest in clothes and buying things is related to my disinterest in what I am wearing. Recently, in the weekends and evenings I have been remarkably scruffy. Throwing on whatever is clean, comfortable and suitable for the weather. On the one occasions when I have gone out at night the only effort I made is to make sure that I was tidy enough to get the bar we were going to.
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Friday, October 21, 2005

things to do in wellington

In a few weeks I will be visiting wellington for a few days. I will mostly be busy, but have some spare time.

I was wondering about things to do and places to eat/drink on a weekday and on a sunday and monday night. I don't like Te Papa.

About the only thing I definitely want to do is shopping on Cuba St...books, clothes etc.

I might check out the galleries and see if there are any shows, but I wasn't enthused enough to spend the weekend in wellington so I doubt I will be enthused enough to actually go to anything.
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Thursday, October 20, 2005


I don't like responsibility. Especially when it comes to work.

I work in a team of lets say 6 people (the actual number depends on how you define "team" and changes depending on the project). Of these 6, 4 of us do the type of work I do, the other 2 do something almost completely different. Until recently (when we were still a group of 5) I was the junior member. That was cool. I liked that. I didn't have to know anything. I had minimal responsibility.

Anyway, we recently employed someone, and now I am the second most junior person. All fine. A bit more responsibility, which I don't like, but can handle.

The problem is now 3 of the 6 are overseas for an extended period of time. It is just me, 1 senior person who doesn't really do what I do, and the newest junior member of the team.

Did I mention that we are still very busy (I have been and have lots of projects that need finishing, a few that are starting, and lots of miscellaneous work?

What does this mean? A lot more responsibility. Which I don't like and never wanted. Yes, it is pushing me way out of my comfort zone, but that is not always a good thing. I am not sure this is a good out of comfort zone excursion. It is stressful, and despite what I may sound like in these blog posts, I am actually very responsible and hard-working. If something needs to get done, I do it. It doesn't matter if it means all-nighters or working weekends. This is one of the reasons the thesis has been dragging. There is always something more urgent.

I will have to try very hard to not over-extend myself at work for the rest of this year. In fact I was supposed to be cutting back work to focus on my thesis, but there is this huge pile of work and a deadline and no one else to do it. Hmmm...I am going to have to be very assertive about this.
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Wednesday, October 19, 2005

Delicious Links

From the past few days...
SF Cover Explorer - Cool visualization of SF book covers.

Milk Texturing Basics - An article on how to froth milk.
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Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Tegan & Sara, Goldfrapp, and Depeche Mode: A tale of addiction overlapping and multiplied

Allegories everywhere. Here is another one, which also doubles as a new music diary/review.

So Jealous
bright just like the stars above me
Just a few days ago I was addicted to Tegan and Sara's "So Jealous" album. It was quite intense as far as music addictions go. I listened to So Jealous continuously for 3 days in a row. Now I am in a strange position that I don't think I have been in before, at least not with respect to music.

In the weekend, even though I had nowhere enough of Tegan & Sara, I shifted to Goldfrapp. I still loved Tegan & Sara just as much as I did before, but the excitement of something new made it necessary to put Tegan & Sara aside. It is impossible to listen to Goldfrapp all day if you are also listening to Tegan & Sara all day. Well...not impossible, but not very pleasant.

Goldfrapp Weekend
So on Saturday I started off with Black Cherry. About time too...I think a year has past since I intended to obtain a copy of Black Cherry. Ever since I first heard of Black Cherry I KNEW I would eventually obtain a copy, and so I wasn't in any rush. There is a time for everything.
Here I wanna be a stranger
Drift in and then out just linger
Slow motion you fall
Like a blossom
Way out there on a star
Nova lazy

Write it down but
Don't send the letter
When it shines it's forever
Here I wanna be a stranger

~ Forever by Goldfrapp
On Sunday I was on to Goldfrapp's latest album, Supernature. Excellent! A new addiction for a day.

I like both those Goldfrapp albums, but I would say Supernature is more accessible than Black Cherry, which may or may not be a good thing.
This crazy life
This crazy world
We're living in is

~ from Fly Me Away by Goldfrapp

A Pain That I'm Used To
Then on Monday I still hadn't had nearly enough of Goldfrapp, but I came across Depeche Mode's new album "Playing the Angel". So even though I still had the Tegan & Sara and Goldfrapp addictions floating around unresolved, I sneaked a listen of "Playing the Angel". Good idea? I'm not sure. Maybe I should've just waited. Maybe I should've gotten everything else out of my system first, but I guess sometimes you just can't wait and newness is so exciting!

So, am I addicted to Depeche Mode? I'm not sure, I haven't gotten past the first song, "A Pain That I'm Used To." I can safely say I am addicted to that song. I have been listening to it continuously for the past couple of days. Definitely another crush. I have no idea what the rest of the album is like.

I have been thinking about why I am addicted to that song. I'm sure there are several reasons. I know one is the catchy guitar riffs; another reason is the lyrics, they resonate; and another reason is that it reminds of something. Actually, it reminds me of several things. One of those things I have finally figured out: the singer sounds like ex-Mute-singer-who-now-runs-the-odeon-lounge-but-I-forget-his-name when he sings my favourite Mute song. I haven't figured out the other reasons yet. Maybe that is the essence of why I am addicted: a resonance, an echo of the past, and a puzzle.
I'm not sure what I'm looking for anymore
I just know that I'm harder to console
I don't see who I'm trying to be instead of me
But the key is a question of control

All this running around, well it's getting me down
Just give me a pain that I'm used to
I don't need to believe all the dreams you conceive
You just need to achieve something that rings true

~ from A Pain That I'm Used To by Depeche Mode

Overlapping and Multiplied
So here I am. Several separate addictions. All incomplete. Unresolved. And all still in an all-or-nothing state. A very strange feeling. I want to be three people so I can listen to all of them right now.

What to do.

Can I go back? Will Tegan & Sara and Goldfrapp be the same when I return? Have I lost something or gained something? I know I want to return. To finish the addictions I started, but I have changed, moved on. I am different.
Will the new me be disappointed in those unfinished addictions?

Which of these addictions will last? Will I still like and listen to all these albums a year from now? Or will one or more be relegated to the temporary crush pile of cds that I never listen to anymore. I think I can tell, but what practical difference does that make?

Is it better to ignore crushes and spend all my time only listening to those rare few albums that will make it to my "all-time-favourite" list? No. That would mean I would never find anything new.

Or, should I live the moment and make the most of temporary pop-crushes while they last even though it means putting the temporarily less exciting all-time-favourites? No. Then I would spend all my time listening to new pop-crushes. My favourites would languish forgotten, which is un acceptable.

Is it impossible to have more than one addiction at a time? I have no idea. Can someome tell me?

Unfortunately it is looking like maybe the "answer" is balance. Moderation. A bit of each. Just like all the other life answers. How annoying!

Yes. This whole post is very pointless and over-analysed. You'd think I had nothing better to do.

Continue reading...

Monday, October 17, 2005

Amber II?

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I have been trying to find what union I would join if I wanted to join a union. I can't find one. I guess the only option would be the PSA, but why I'd want to join such a diverse and large group group like that I have no idea. A group of people not like me.

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Sunday, October 16, 2005

The Weekend

How did I spend the weekend?


4 Naps. I have no idea why. I don't nap! Especially when I haven't done anything nap-worthy.

In spite of all the naps I was still too tired to go out and do anything. How frustrating!

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Happiness is

Happiness is not a station you arrive at, but a manner of traveling.
Margaret Lee Runbeck

I think this is what you were trying to tell me?
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Saturday, October 15, 2005

The Introvert Advantage

I am in the middle of reading "The Introvert Advantage: How to Thrive in an Extrovert World" by Marti Olsen Laney.

It caught my eye when I was browsing Pathfinders bookshop. The blurb on the back caught my eye:

"Do you 'zone out' if too much is going on? Are you energized by spending time alone? In meetings, so you need to be asked for your opinions and ideas?..."

Hey that sounds like me! So I bought it.

The blurb on the back also said "Filled with Aha! moments." And that has been so true.

For example, I have always wondered why sometimes I adore parties, and other times they just make me feel all shaky and sick and why sometimes I have to go find an empty room, or a desk to hide under (yes, hiding in a dark room under a desk makes me feel so much better when everything gets too much). However this behaviour makes me feel very unsociable.

Even though I really want to be at most social gatherings I sometimes "zone out", "run away", "avoid chitchat" even though I DO like people and am NOT shy.

I always thought there was something wrong with me, and that I needed to fix whatever it is that was wrong. But this book has made me think maybe there's nothing wrong with me at all. I am just introverted and 90% of the time hanging out with people is just energy draining, no matter how much I enjoy the people and the socialising.

Anyway, back to the book...I will report in more detail later.
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Very Vexing Update

Do not blog drunk.

I am not drunk. I have an excellent alcohol tolerance.

Anyway, I just realised that my Very Vexing post was unintentionally synchronous. Or funny. Or both. Anyway, my conversations with Frank and the Computer were basically the same. I could generalise my afternoon as:
Frank/Computer: They are not the same.
me: They are the same!
Frank/Computer: They are not the same!
me: They are the same!!!!
and so on....
No wonder I was vexed! But now I am kind of impressed that it worked out like that. Frank and the Computer don't even know each other.
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Friday, October 14, 2005

Tegan and Sara: Speaking of addictions

I am currently addicted to Tegan and Sara's So Jealous album. It has been on permanent rotate all week and I have been humming it everywhere, which is very unlike me.

I don't usually like pop. But this pop album is great! And very very addictive.
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Very vexing

I am very vexed today.

Reason One
I have been "discussing" the happiness and comfort zone topic with Frank. Fortunately it was an email discussion because it made me very cross. Frank can make me very cross sometimes, which is one of the reasons I like him, but sometimes it is just very very vexing.

Here is an intensely paraphrased summary of our discussion. But before we start it is important to know that X = Y = Z.
Frank: I disagree with what you said in that "Imaginary friends post" because of "X."
I think to myself: !!!!!#%@^@!!! I thought I said "X" in the "Imaginary friends post."
Me: yes, because "Y."
Frank: I disagree because 'Z."
Me: aarghhh!!!!!!!!!!
Reason Two
Here is this afternoons paraphrased conversation with the Computer.
Me: Computer make X = [A B C]
Computer: ERROR! A, B and C must be the same size.
Me: Oh. I'm sure they were the same size. Computer what is the size of A?
Computer: 5 rows
Me: What is the size of B?
Computer: 5 rows
Me: And the size of C?
Computer: 5 rows
Me: That's what I thought! Computer, make X = [A B C]
Computer: ERROR! A, B and C must be the same size.
Me: Aargghhhh!!!!!!!!
The Computer is almost as frustrating as Frank!
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Thursday, October 13, 2005


I am a very bad geek. Actually I am not really a geek-geek. More a fringe-geek or a wannabe-geek who doesn't really want to be a geek....

A while back I saw "Serenity" mentioned in lots of places. Lots of people were buzzing about it. I ignored it. I didn't even know what "Serenity" was.

Recently I stumbled across Orson Scott Card's review of Serenity (via del.icio.us of course) and I was bored and I adore Orson Scott Card's writing, so I read it.

Wow! What a review! Now I absolutely have to see Serenity.

Ideally I would be watching it right now, but no. I have missed the special early pre-screening for fans. And I can't find any information of when/if it will be shown in Auckland. Aargh!! Why do NZ movie theatres insist on showing crap movies? In my search I have found out there are lots and lots of crap movies I could go see if I wanted to. But I don't want to see crap movies. At the moment Serenity is the ONLY movie I want to see. How frustrating.

And now to make matters worse belatedly see Malach's review of Serenity:


That is all.

If only I'd known earlier! If only I was a better geek!
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Wednesday, October 12, 2005

The problem with imaginary friends

The problem with imaginary friends is that they are a product of your imagination so you can pretty much always predict what they are going to say. It is very hard for me to surprise myself, and so it would be very hard for any imaginary friends I create to surprise me.

I think I will go ahead and invent some anyway. Even if it is like talking to myself surely an imagined conversation is better than no conversation?

This being happy is all very well, but now that I am not wallowing in self-pity I am thinking about other things. Lots of other things. 101 fascinating topics that I want to talk about or at least tell someone about. Sure, most of them are so NOT fascinating, some of them are really boring things like, "I ran into Bob today and he has a new job." Regardless of their level of importance and fascinatingness they are still stuck in my head. A week of things to tell and discuss building up means that now I feel very restless and I-can't-think-of-a-word-to-describe-this maybe it is "thought-constipation". Whatever it is, it is certainly not helping with the happy happy new me. Feeling "happy" is becoming more of a struggle each day.

Writing all these things down is not an ideal solution. Posting to a blog only gets me so far and I am aware of my writing deteriorating and I am aware of my not caring that my writing is deteriorating. Anyway, at the moment there are far too many things in my head at the moment to make writing about them all practicable.

I am almost thinking it was better before. Being so self-absorbed and unhappy meant that none of these other things even registered and so it doesn't matter if I had anyone to tell them to or not.

I think I will go try meditation now. Maybe if I empty my mind then all these thoughts that are itching to be expressed will just disappear forever.
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Tuesday, October 11, 2005


Zen's post about the dangers of Dihydrogren Monoxide and this recent amusing thread at SHumps made me stop and think about addiction.

Previously I have tried (quite hard) to get myself addicted to various things. Why? I don't know...maybe because everyone else was doing it. Maybe because other people seemed to successfully use addictions to blot out all the bad things in their lives. They seemed blissfully unaware. I wanted to be blissfully unaware. So much so I that gave addiction a try. Several times.

All attempts were unsuccessful. Maybe I don't have an addictive personality.

Now I am thinking...perhaps I am actually addicted to certain things, but maybe those things are not the traditional types of things people get addicted to. Surely I can I say I am addicted to Dihydrogen Monoxide? Although I must admit I don't actually like it. Does that fit in with what an addiction is? Or is there more to it than that? I remember a discussion with Bob about whether or not we were addicted to hydric acid. I don't think we reached a conclusion.

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Monday, October 10, 2005

Bose-Einstein Condensation is fascinating!

I went to the first of the Robb lectures tonight. This years Robb lecturer is Nobel Laureate, Professor Carl Wieman. Tonights lecture was "Bose-Einstein condensation: Quantum weirdness at the lowest temperature in the universe."

It was great! Bose-Einstein condensation is fascinating!!! I can't wait for the other two lectures.

I love learning new things, especially scientific new things, and especially physics so it seems. I have really enjoyed all the Robb lectures I have been to, but there is something about physics that makes me feel all bubbly and alive. I never realised it before, but wow! This is a bigger high than any of the gigs/concerts/parties I have been to in the past couple of years. Sometimes I wish I had studied physics to a higher level.

I was going to blog everything I learned, but it is quite a lot. So maybe later.

I wrote screeds of notes and decorated one hand and several pages with doodles.

Interesting thing: I can't possibly sit through an entire lecture without a pen and paper, or at the very least some sort of writing implement. If I am not writing notes, then I am doodling and decorating my notes and/or body with flowers and squiggly things.

It seems other people are different, especially physics type people. I couldn't see anyone else in the lecture theatre writing anything at all.

I used to think I wrote more and doodled more than other people because I couldn't concentrate or remember or wasn't as interested as everyone else, but someone recently told me that people who doodle and/or write when listening to a speaker are probably kinaesthetic thinkers/listeners. That is, they remember information better if they are doing something with their body (eg writing/doodling) at the same time. That makes perfect sense to me. I listen better and retain information better if I am also decorating something with flowers at the same time. For me, sitting through any speaker without a pen is torturous!

I'm not sure how I got so off topic, but here I am. I am not going to fix it, so I will just stop instead.
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Sunday, October 09, 2005

It's raining again

You seem sad now
or is it just all the reasons why
running through my mind and across my eyes
dissolving you

you shut down all the old escapes
and it feels strange now
with your tears in my eyes
and your emotions racing through my veins

i can't remember the last time I felt this way
waves of distress
intense enough to cut through my life

yet I wouldn't change anything
I like it better without the lies
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Saturday, October 08, 2005

do re mi

Torn has been stuck in my head ever since I watched that video (thanks Zen ;p). So I decided I needed to learn how to sing and play it. When I decide things like this they take over and I have to do them immediately. I suppose it is just as well that it is the weekend...

I have found a copy of the song, lyrics and guitar chords and have spent the better part of this afternoon trying to learn it. Aaarghh!!! How frustrating! I am a pretty crap singer and a pretty crap rhythm guitarist and I haven't done either for months, so learning this song is a bigger challenge than I thought it would be. It is not the easiest song in the world.

Progress to date:
I can't play the guitar along with the cd. Left hand is fine, right hand is not.
I can't sing along with the cd. I can manage the verses, but both the pre-chorus and chorus are out of my range. If I change key then the verses are out of my range. Like I said, I am a crap singer. I think I need lessons.

Gee what a crap musician I am!

So imagine me playing the guitar and singing without the cd. Just because I can't doesn't stop me from trying though. I get a little stubborn about things like this.

Anyway, better get back to it...I'll learn Torn if it's the last thing I do. Unless I get bored of course, in which case it will be dropped like all those other "must do" projects.
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Arts and culture

It seems like there is a cultural debate (if you can call it that) going on about something to do with arts, culture, NZ music. I haven't read any of it properly but it is vaguely interesting and it is raining so I might as well write around the topic.

I like a wide variety of "cultural" things. I go to museums, galleries, exhibitions, dance, concerts, gigs etc. I am just as likely to go to the ballet and opera as I am to go to a heavy metal gig. I love older painting styles but I also like modern abstract art and weird-performance art. I like mainstream pop-rock and I like alternative-indie music. However, I don't like cultural snobs. There is nothing wrong with pop music. You don't have to like it, but it is just as cultural as experimental noise rock.

I like NZ music. I go to a lot of local live acts and I buy cds if I like them. I think a lot of NZ music is great. I think a lot of it wouldn't appeal to most NZers, but some of it actually would if they get a chance to hear it.

However, I don't think the current funding system is quite right. A few people get funded. Lots of people don't. You can't fund everyone who wants to be an artist, and surely if one person deserves to be paid to express their creativity then everyone deserves to be paid to express their creativity? And the arts thing is so subjective how can you possibly say one person's creativity is valid and worthy of funding when someone else's isn't?

I am an artist/musician but I also work a fairly high paying and long hour high stress job. I pay quite a lot of tax. It is my choice to not be a poor struggling artist, but I do not like the current system where lots of taxpayers money gets thrown at the arts. Who decides where all that money ends up? Who decides what is the appropriate cultural direction of NZ? I imagine it is a small group of arty types who are not at all representative of most New Zealanders.

I am not like most New Zealanders. I am not "mainstream." I am an artist, but I am not exactly an arty type either. So all of this annoys me.

Why? Because I like my art and my music better than everyone else's funded-partly-by-my-taxes art and music. I would rather the government spent my portion of the arts money on me (or even better that it didn't take it in the first place). This would mean that I could work less and spend more time creating art that I like. I could also spend more of my disposable income on art that I like and want to support, not art someone else decides I should support.
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Humming happily to myself

Nothing has changed. This is still the life I hated.

Yet now I am happy.

How strange.

If this good mood lasts for a reasonable length of time then I will tell you the how and the why.

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Friday, October 07, 2005

Delicious links of the day

Someone brilliant has created emergency disposable scrabble. There is an A4 pdf that you can print and take wherever you may go.

Geek quotes. My favs:
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don't.

I would love to change the world, but they won't give me the source code
I think that is all.
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Thursday, October 06, 2005


I'm not usually a fan of comedy, but this video at Zen State is very funny. Plus, I love the song and is oddly appropriate and now I can't get it out of my head, thanks Zen! ;p
I'm all out of faith
This is how I feel
I'm cold and I am shamed
Lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed
Into something real
I'm wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You're a little late
I'm already torn

So I guess the fortune tellers right
I should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
But you crawled beneath my veins
And now, I don't care
I have no luck
I don't miss it all that much
There's just so many things
That I can't touch
I'm torn

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You can never know what will hurt someone

You can never know what will hurt someone.

Therefore, not doing and not saying things because it "might hurt someone" is silly. Actually, it is more than silly, it is harmful because you are limiting yourself. It is kind of like lying. Actually, I think it is totally like lying.

So, say what you will and do what you will.

And if the "someone" is me I'd like you to know that I really do prefer absolute honesty. Really. And if the "someone" is not me, well...I think that absolute honesty might be a good thing for them too.

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Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Quiz: Belief-O-Matic

Celebrating Mediocrity has Belief-O-Matic quiz results. I thought I needed some too.

There are some interesting new religion options that I didn't know existed. "New Thought" and "Neo Pagan" sound cool and "Mainline blah blah..." sounds very interesting. Unfortunately I suspect the results are rubbish because a) I change my mind a lot b) I have contradictory beliefs and c) Scientology!!! ummm...yeah...we all know what I think of Scientology.

Anyway here are the religions I should be practicing according to Belief-O-Matic.

1. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (100%)
2. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (83%)
3. New Thought (81%)
4. Scientology (71%)
5. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (68%)
6. Unitarian Universalism (64%)
7. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (63%)
8. Liberal Quakers (61%)
9. Bah�'� Faith (60%)
10. Neo-Pagan (57%)
11. Theravada Buddhism (56%)
12. Nontheist (53%)
13. Reform Judaism (53%)
14. Secular Humanism (53%)
15. Mahayana Buddhism (52%)
16. Jehovah's Witness (51%)
17. Taoism (50%)
18. Sikhism (44%)
19. New Age (41%)
20. Hinduism (40%)
21. Eastern Orthodox (35%)
22. Islam (35%)
23. Orthodox Judaism (35%)
24. Roman Catholic (35%)
25. Orthodox Quaker (26%)
26. Jainism (17%)
27. Seventh Day Adventist (17%)

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Do I really need 1000Gb of email?

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The Mars Volta and The Magic Numbers!

Usually the Big Day Out acts are OK. Usually there are maybe one or two acts that I'd quite like to see. Usually there is nothing special to actually convince me to buy a ticket in advance. I haven;'t even attended the last couple of Big Day Outs.

The 2006 Big Day Out is different though. The first announcement of acts was today, and I am thrilled. The list includes The Mars Volta and The Magic Numbers. YAY!!!! I absolutely LOVE The Mars Volta! They are one of my all time favourite bands. I am currently very addicted to the only Magic Numbers song I have heard - Hymn For Her. It is lovely lovely lovely.

But there is more: Iggy & The Stooges are an absolute must see. And some of my other favs are also playing: The White Stripes, Franz Ferdinand, Kings of Leon, AFI, Pluto ...

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Tuesday, October 04, 2005

wikipedia is all very nice and stuff but...

... I like uncyclopedia better.

Where else would I learn about kitten huffing?
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Monday, October 03, 2005

What have I been doing with my life?

Bob thinks I am not doing anything with my life. He also thinks that the not-doing is related to over-analysis like these blog posts. Either not-doing leads to over-analysis, or over-analysis leads to not-doing or maybe it is both.

That's funny. He is right and also wrong.

So here are a few comments for Bob:

1. Umm. Bob. Analysis IS doing. The difference between thinking things through and doing things is not as great as it appears. I think they are very similar. That's why I used to do visualization as a key part of my gymnastics training.

2. I am doing stuff, it's just that the stuff I am doing may not be tangible or easily measurable or the sort of stuff you tell strangers or the sort of stuff that I tell you. I will write a list for you.

3. There is nothing wrong with not-doing. In fact I would prefer to not-do consciously than to do lots of things on auto-pilot because that is what everyone else does.

4. Analysis paralysis. Yes. But it is better than a) being asleep paralysis or b) being stupid paralysis or c) not wanting to change paralysis.

5. The 'over-thinking" is a hobby. Like reading and baking and knitting.

6. Yes. You are right. I am drifting.

7. Yes. You are right. I am stuck.

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Sunday, October 02, 2005

Orders of Magnitude: Powers of 10

This is very cool.

Watch the progression from the Milky Way to quarks....

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Even Yoda is blogging

Master Yoda's blog (via Dan's Horrendous Waste of Bandwidth)

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More Annoyances. An Analysis of Time Lost because of my New Desk Location

Silly? No. I am at work and it is 7pm on a Sunday. I spent 10 hours at work on Friday and 10 hours on Saturday with no breaks. And I predict I will be here all night. This is to keep me sane.

My new desk is in an inconvenient location.

It is further from the printer.
I am now upstairs. The colour printer is still downstairs and MUCH further away from my desk.

Why is this a problem?

I need to use that printer and what's more I need to visit it frequently. Unfortunately I can't just send things to the printer and then collect them all at the end because a) the printer has a tendency to misbehave, so it is a bad idea to send large jobs and expect everything to work and b) I need to contantly make changes as I work. Basically I send something. Go get it. Come back to my computer and check it. Fix it. Repeat. Tonight I am working on three copies of a series of 60 maps. So I imagine that will be approximately 40 trips to the printer. I am going to count them.

My new desk is also further from the webmail computer
Obviously I need to check my email now and then.

My new desk seems to be in a light sensor dead zone
This means that after precisely 30 minutes of working (yes I really am timing and counting these things) the lights turn off. So, if I want light I have to walk 20 steps to activate the light sensor then 20 steps back to my desk.

My new desk is further away from the people I am working on this project with
I have to ask these people questions and they have to ask me questions and most of the time we need to do this in person.

The Numbers
Number of steps to printer:
Now = 78 (including 21 stairs)

Number of steps to colleagues desk:
Then = 35
Now = 80 (including 21 stairs)

Number of steps to turn lights on:
Then = 0
Now = 20 there and 20 back again

Number of steps to webmail computer:
Then =
Now =

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Happiness or Loneliness

I should know better than to seek words of wisdom from friends.

I tell people "I am lonely."
Then they tell me those pre-fabricated words of wisdom that mean nothing. For example, Frank says "I want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy." Bob says "Other people can't make you happy." and Dolphin Boy says "if you are unhappy then change something."

Very unsatisfactory answers. I never mentioned happiness. Since when is happiness the opposite of loneliness? I am not sure they are even on the same spectrum.

And anyway, what exactly is wrong with loneliness?
Why doesn't anyone say. "You're lonely? That's OK. Just go with it and listen to it."
Why is loneliness a problem to be fixed?

But maybe they are just giving me the answers that they need at the moment. Maybe Frank really wants to be happy and needs to hear that he deserves it. Maybe Bob is stuck on the "other people can't make you happy" lesson. And maybe Dolphin Boy is unhappy and just needs to change.

I also get advice about what I should do to fix the loneliness. I should go out and do things, I should volunteer, I should meet people, I should be open, I should work on my self-esteem and self-confidence.

The advice seems slightly contradictory and designed to distract me. They seem like temporary fixes. It also shows me just how little the advisors know me. I help others, I meet people, I am open, and hard as it may be to believe I actually have self-esteem and self-confidence.

I think this article is closer to my answer. Maybe loneliness is not a problem for me. Maybe it is my solution. Sure it hurts, but if you stay with it long enough the pain and discomfort start to fade. Maybe all the things I have been trying to do to avoid it have been turning me away from where I need to go. Maybe I just need to go through it. Maybe that's why I feel better after a weekend alone screaming into pillows and onto blog posts than after weeks of escapist company and behaviour.

Oh, and if you're reading this, the magic, charmed life is definitely "through."
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There is a guy playing the electric guitar on the footpath outside my window. He's pretty good.

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Saturday, October 01, 2005


Some things that annoy me:

And now I see that someone has had some sugar and fat tax and education ideas. I don't know why they don't just make all "unhealthy" foods illegal and force people to exercise and lead healthy lifestyles and look after the environment and be kind and respectful to all living creatures regardless of species, race, age, sex, ugliness or stupidity. And while we are talking about living creatures: why are people concerned about the welfare of dolphins and native trees, but not the welfare of other life forms like insects and weeds?
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Spring in Albert Park

Oh yay. It is spring and I get to walk through Albert Park, complete with lovey-dovey couples, several times a day. Lucky me.

Just now I had a little panic attack of sorts. Sometimes I think the wiring in my brain is a little screwed up. I will have to prepare myself for future trips through the park. Maybe if I make a list of things to be grateful for, or get a song stuck in my head or something....anything.

Or maybe I should just walk around.
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