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Sunday, October 02, 2005

Happiness or Loneliness

I should know better than to seek words of wisdom from friends.

I tell people "I am lonely."
Then they tell me those pre-fabricated words of wisdom that mean nothing. For example, Frank says "I want you to be happy. You deserve to be happy." Bob says "Other people can't make you happy." and Dolphin Boy says "if you are unhappy then change something."

Very unsatisfactory answers. I never mentioned happiness. Since when is happiness the opposite of loneliness? I am not sure they are even on the same spectrum.

And anyway, what exactly is wrong with loneliness?
Why doesn't anyone say. "You're lonely? That's OK. Just go with it and listen to it."
Why is loneliness a problem to be fixed?

But maybe they are just giving me the answers that they need at the moment. Maybe Frank really wants to be happy and needs to hear that he deserves it. Maybe Bob is stuck on the "other people can't make you happy" lesson. And maybe Dolphin Boy is unhappy and just needs to change.

I also get advice about what I should do to fix the loneliness. I should go out and do things, I should volunteer, I should meet people, I should be open, I should work on my self-esteem and self-confidence.

The advice seems slightly contradictory and designed to distract me. They seem like temporary fixes. It also shows me just how little the advisors know me. I help others, I meet people, I am open, and hard as it may be to believe I actually have self-esteem and self-confidence.

I think this article is closer to my answer. Maybe loneliness is not a problem for me. Maybe it is my solution. Sure it hurts, but if you stay with it long enough the pain and discomfort start to fade. Maybe all the things I have been trying to do to avoid it have been turning me away from where I need to go. Maybe I just need to go through it. Maybe that's why I feel better after a weekend alone screaming into pillows and onto blog posts than after weeks of escapist company and behaviour.

Oh, and if you're reading this, the magic, charmed life is definitely "through."

Isn't 'loneliness' just a biological drive to get yourself a partner?
Hmmm...people with partners can be lonely. And people without partners can not be lonely.
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