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Wednesday, October 12, 2005

The problem with imaginary friends

The problem with imaginary friends is that they are a product of your imagination so you can pretty much always predict what they are going to say. It is very hard for me to surprise myself, and so it would be very hard for any imaginary friends I create to surprise me.

I think I will go ahead and invent some anyway. Even if it is like talking to myself surely an imagined conversation is better than no conversation?

This being happy is all very well, but now that I am not wallowing in self-pity I am thinking about other things. Lots of other things. 101 fascinating topics that I want to talk about or at least tell someone about. Sure, most of them are so NOT fascinating, some of them are really boring things like, "I ran into Bob today and he has a new job." Regardless of their level of importance and fascinatingness they are still stuck in my head. A week of things to tell and discuss building up means that now I feel very restless and I-can't-think-of-a-word-to-describe-this maybe it is "thought-constipation". Whatever it is, it is certainly not helping with the happy happy new me. Feeling "happy" is becoming more of a struggle each day.

Writing all these things down is not an ideal solution. Posting to a blog only gets me so far and I am aware of my writing deteriorating and I am aware of my not caring that my writing is deteriorating. Anyway, at the moment there are far too many things in my head at the moment to make writing about them all practicable.

I am almost thinking it was better before. Being so self-absorbed and unhappy meant that none of these other things even registered and so it doesn't matter if I had anyone to tell them to or not.

I think I will go try meditation now. Maybe if I empty my mind then all these thoughts that are itching to be expressed will just disappear forever.

:) its funny that you write this today.. I was just thinking about it last nite...

I have to talk my thoughts to someone I care about.. unfortunately the ppl I care about dont want to hear me anymore.. and then there is this built up of thoughts, reactions and so on..

I sometimes talk to myself... thinking I am the other person.. of course that makes me sound crazy now - but oh well... Writing my thoughts helps me too.. It's like talking but with no sound!
Hey mieasha,

I think that talking to yourself and sounding crazy is better than keeping it all in and going crazy!

Usually writing works OK for me. I might have to go write stuff in one of my anonymous blogs.

Anyway, it would be nice if we both found people to talk to soon.
My 4yo was telling me the other day that he has heaps of thoughts in his head and he has to talk all the time just to get them out. It was very concerning for him - he didn't know how to turn all the thoughts off.

I think of thoughts as being bits and pieces of the ether that I pick up - I can literally turn them off by tuning out.

I wouldn't worry about being happy or not, Suze. If you want to feel happiness, then you are aiming for an emotion. Aiming for emotions is like aiming for a constantly moving target.

It sounds to me like you need to offload. All the extra thoughts can be drained or grounded so they are not crowding in your head. A shower could do this if you actively send the thoughts off you into the water. Or a walk in nature - wind helps. The wind can blow all the thoughts away.
Lucyna, you put it beautifully... we are constantly aiming at an emotion... and unfortunately emotions are hard to focus on!

Suze. - I do hope so too that we find we both find someone to just talk to!
Lucyna, it's funny you mention grounding. It's one thing I could do with more of. Unfortunately I usually forget that I need to ground myself. It is only when I happen to be walking in the wind/rain that I realise it is very good for me and I should do more of it.

I am not sure I am aiming for an emotion exactly. It is more like I am trying to feel my way through my life. So it's more like I am trying to use emotion as a compass.
Thanks Mieasha.

Suze, I didn't mention grounding, but yes, it's important to do as well. Something I need to do far more often too, btw. Especially after working on the computer - it's pretty difficult to remain grounded while on the computer.

Emotion is a very unreliable compass.

The best illustration of that I can give is a physical example. Most people have an idea of what it means to be upright (in straightening up your posture) and will rely on their feeling of being straight to guide them to that place. In the Alexander Technique we learn that feelings are very unreliable. What feels straight is only straight in relation to the state of being that you were in before. What we learn instead to do is to consciously direct our bodies. This is far more reliable because as you direct your head up and direct your feet down and away and see how much you can release in between, as your body releases it naturally springs into the direction of straight. Except straight is not a place, it's a state of constant direction and release working against gravity. There is no where to arrive to, how it feels one day may feel completely different the next as your body releases more as you work with the directions. As you get better at it you can learn what it feels like, but using your feelings as a guide is something that can never be relied on.

Ok, another example. Jumping out of your comfort zone will always feel wrong or scary. Yet it might be the best thing for you to do, but if your feelings are used as a guide you may never step out of your comfort zone.

And I also need to differentiate between emotional feelings and intuition. Intuition to me never has any emotion attached, it's more like be guided to do something with absolutely no tangable reason for why.
Ah. I just interpreted the nature walks, wind, water thing as grounding. But being too heady/spaced-out and having too many thoughts is not quite the same thing. Maybe they just have the same solution.

That physical example of "straight" is a good one. I love it!! I think I sm getting closer what you mean now :)

If you are not able to consciously direct your body (perhaps you haven't learnt how yet, or don't even know about such things) then the only guide you have to stand up straight is your feeling of straightness. Which is totally relative, but it might be the only tool you have at the moment.

Perhaps emotion is an unreliable compass, but it is A compass. At the moment it feels like I am following emotion out of the hole. Now, because I feel OK, maybe I can use something more reliable to navigate, but this would have been impossible a while ago.

I like "straight is not a place" :) Maybe I define happiness differently from others. Actually I shouldn't use the word "happy". I know I define it differently from others.

I have never wanted to be "happy" happy. I guess what I want is suze-happy. Suze-happy is not a place. Suze-happy is like a reaching and/or an evolving. It is an excited, expectant on the way to somewhere alive feeling. It may include intense dramas and surprises and "bad" feelings. It includes a very wide range of emotions. It can be "driftng" but it can't be "stuck."

I guess Suze-happy is what I am trying to use as a guide. And I guess it is not really an emotion at all. I'm not sure what it is.
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