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Sunday, November 27, 2005

Maybe It's Just Liminal

I get the feeling that people think I am sitting around twiddling my thumbs, drifting, wasting my life...

It seems that people think surely I should be doing something, anything. You know maybe doing something productive with one of my many talents, working on my apparently (I should do a post on this) non-existent self-esteem, self-confidence and social skills, meeting people, travelling, challenging myself, moving outside my comfort zone, unsheltering my sheltered life, etc.

I don't blame them really. I know that from the outside it looks like I am not doing anything. It looks like I am standing still. And I know I frequently say things to reinforce such an opinion. I say these things because part of me agrees with people...I HATE drifting, and not doing anything or being anyone. I HATE it.

Why don't I do anything about it then? Well, there are a couple of reasons. The first is that I am not actually standing still, it just looks that way. In fact I would go so far as to say I am speeding. The second reason is that against my better judgement I HAVE tried to do things. Lots of things. But I haven't gotten anywhere (thrown back in my face is more accurate). Forcing things against my better judgement never works.

Now I have decided to just listen to my intuition, regardless of whether I want to or not (I don't). At the moment this wiser suze is telling me very firmly to: Stop. Wait. Let go. Do nothing. This wiser suze knows that although nothing has been happening outwardly, there have been dramatic and very rapid inner shifts. The wise suze knows that more has been happening in the last couple of years than in the previous twenty, and that more has been happening in the last couple of months than in the last couple of years. Acceleration. E/limination. The old suze is dead and dying. I don't know the new suze at all. I don't think she exists yet. I have been way outside my comfort zone for a long time now. Life has to catch up. I have to catch up.

So I am going to wait and do nothing. I am going to try very hard not to be impatient and grumpy that other people's inner voices are telling them to do exciting things when my inner voice is telling me to do nothing, or worse still, to do boring things. I am going to try very hard not to get in my own way. I am going to stop with the goals and plans and lists and wishes and expectations. I am going to let the Universe take care of everything. I will do whatever comes up that I can afford to do and that I don't have an aversion to.

For some strange reason (I drift a lot and I like it when I have a choice), really letting go is very very hard for me.

Rebirth. Sounds painful but I am sure the discomfort will be transitory while the results will be brilliant.

It sounds like you're doing anything *but* standing still. You don't have to climb Mount Improbable in order to be "doing something".
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