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Monday, February 13, 2006

vaguely intense

I am all torn and confused and weepy. I don't understand...usually I am good at goodbyes. Usually I could care less.

Still at least things seem to be getting clearer. With me, distance = clarity.

I have a theory: it is the unknowns that make things exponentially more difficult (and more emotional and more interesting).

I have/had an undefined but very close and intense relationship (although it wasn't actually a "relationship") with Bob that was mostly quite private (ie other people had no idea what we were and I'm not sure we know/knew either). Bob has maybe left the country for good (ie for an undefined amount of time to do something undefined with various undefined people). Our undefined relationship-that-is-not-a-relationship may or may not continue and it will change in an undefined way. All I know is that I think maybe I will miss him immeasurably, even (and maybe especially) the irritating challenging aspects. And if I don't miss him, then I will be obsessing over why I don't cause I ought to.

This is on top of the rest of my very undefined and uncertain life.

Just as Bob doesn't really know what he is doing or what he wants, neither do I.

No wonder this goodbye was stressful and weepy and energy draining. There is uncertainty everywhere.

Yet underneath all of this I am very aware that I actually really like all this emotional intensity and drama and uncertainty. That can't be healthy can it?

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