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Tuesday, April 12, 2005

And the cards say...

Like I said before, today I feel strange. A little sad, a little restless, a little uncomfortable, a little apathetic, a little lost, a little lonely. But having just listed some adjectives I am not sure exactly what I feel. All I know for sure is that I am tired.

A perfect opportunity for testing out my new cards.

Like all my readings recently, this one turned out to be extremely relevant, integrated and incisive. It turned out to be painfully close to the truth. Here are the results.

1. The Issue
Compromise may be a way of not going in either direction, or it may just be a repression of your confusion. It will assert itself.
It is one thing to meet another halfway, to understand a point of view different from our own... It is quite another to 'cave in' and betray our own truth.
We usually find we are trying to gain something - whether it is power or the approval of others.
OK. Yes I have been trying to understand and fit in in numerous aspects of my life. I just want to belong. I just want someone to talk to who really understands and cares. I have never belonged and there has never been such a person, so I figured I needed to change myself. Hence the somewhat erratic past couple of years.

I never thought about it as compromising before. But I guess I am and I guess it will never make me happy. Having people like you when you aren't being you isn't the best feeling in the world.

2. Internal Influence that you are unable to see
The Rebel
People are afraid, very much afraid of those who know themselves.
The enlightened man is the greatest stranger in the world; he does not seem to belong to anybody.
The Rebel's very way of being is rebellious - not because he is fighting against anybody or anything, but because he has discovered his own true nature and is determined to live in accordance with it. The rebel challenges us to be courageous enough to take responsibility for who we are and to live our truth.
Do I know myself? Perhaps a little too well. I wouldn't say I was enlightened, but I certainly feel like a stranger. This is a strange land.

I guess my inner rebel has been influencing me subtly. It certainly has been a struggle trying to force myself to compromise in order to fit in. In some ways I have hated every step. I hate the very idea of not being true to myself. But I thought I needed to do it. I didn't want to be lonely or alone anymore.

3. External Influence of which you are aware
The destination is not the goal, the journey is the goal. Each step on the path is important in itself.
When this card appears in a reading it indicates a time of movement and change. It may be a physical movement or it may be an inner movement.
This card reminds us to accept and embrace the new. The attitude of openness and acceptance invites new friends and experiences into our lives.
Yes. I have known this for a while. I understand the journey concept and am not overly fond of goals or destinations.

4. What is needed for resolution
Past Lives
A glimpse into the eternity of our existence is a gift, and understanding the function of karma in our lives is not something that can be grasped at will.
This is a wake-up call; the events in your life are trying to show you a pattern.
I recently read a very interesting and different take on karma.
This is the only unclear card in the reading.

5. Resolution: the Understanding
There is a tremendous difference between loneliness and aloneness. Loneliness is the absence of the other. Aloneness is the presence of oneself. Aloneness is very positive. It is a presence, overflowing presence...you are so full of presence...and there is no need for anybody.
When there is no 'significant other' in our lives we can either be lonely, or enjoy the freedom that solitude brings. When we find no support among others for our deeply felt truths, we can either feel isolated and bitter, or celebrate the fact our vision is strong enough even to survive the powerful human need for the approval of family, friends or colleagues.
When I saw this card as the resolution I felt sick. I don't want to be alone. It is the whole reason I am having these issues in the first place! It is horrible and unfair. I know about the lonely/alone difference. I have always been alone, and am usually pretty good at it. I don't want to be alone forever and I definitely don't want an overflowing presence or to celebrate my strength!!

How depressing.

People often comment on how strong I am, especially recently. It's not like strength is a good thing and it's not like I have any choice.

I don't like this reading. It is a little too close to the truth and unfortunately it makes a lot of sense:
Basically I am having trouble because I am trying to compromise and be someone else and see everyone else's points of view and understand everyone else's feelings. I am doing this because I am tired of being alone and I want to do something about it. However, by compromising I am hiding the real me away, which, I realise now, is just making me lonelier. The inner rebelious me is probably secretly sabotaging everything I do which explains why nothing is really working.

I am trying too hard to be something I am not.

I'm not sure what the solution is. The Karma card is still not clear. Perhaps it is to realise that being myself and being alone is better than pretending and compromising and being lonely. It's not a very nice realisation at all. It seems I am going to be alone regardless.

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