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Friday, July 08, 2005

Tarot Reading 5th July

Prior to this spread I was thinking about how to reconcile various aspects of my schizophrenic self. Mostly prompted by the Hotel Rwanda realisation that I am a bad global citizen. For example how do I reconcile the following (seemingly) conflicting beliefs:
  • How to reconcile the me-first, life is about having fun and doing what I like with being aware about what is going on the world and thinking about serious issues and having opinions and taking action?
  • Or, how to reconcile the belief that people should do what they like with the belief that other people shouldn't interfere with me doing what I like.
  • Or, how to reconcile my belief that I should do what I love and live in my own little rose-coloured universe, but that I should also keep track of the "real" world, which I find quite distressing?
  • Or that I think I should have a plan and goals otherwise I will get nowhere but at the same time I also think that I should just let go and the universe will take me where I want to go.
  • Or that I get the feeling that I need to hibernate/chrysallise but at the same time I don't want to be completely isolated.
This is just a selection of the conflicting things that are sloshing around in my head. There are MANY others. No wonder I am slightly schizophrenic at the moment.

So, in this state of mind I did the following Celtic Cross reading:

1. The Issue
Playfulness (Page of Fire)

Basically this is the conflict between Serious vs Playful. This card represents the playful. The butterfly emerging from it's chrysalis.
"life is rarely as serious as we believe it to be"
"you have just the right combination of playful innocence and clarity"

Yes. That is EXACTLY the issue. I am chyrsallising and stuck trying to balance seriousness and playfulness and a million other dichotomies. I'm quite sure that I do not have enough clarity though. If I had enough clarity I wouldn't be in this state. I would be out doing whatever it is clear I should be doing.

2. What is Clarifying/Obstructing the Issue
Courage (Strength)


This card keeps reappearing in my spreads. I have been very aware of and resentful of my "strength" and "courage." It seems that the more strength you have the less help you get. I don't want to be the stong one or the brave one or the wise one anymore. It is the weak ones who are offered help and love and protection. I don't want respect and admiration.I just want to be looked after for a while. I hate that it is not going to happen. I hate that I am the only one I can rely on.

It is a dilemma because I can't exactly be less than I am. I need someone who is at least as strong as me. But who the hell is that? I don't think I have ever known anyone like that.

"When we are faced with a very difficult situation we have a choice: we can either be resentful, and try to find something or somebody to blame for the hardships, or we can face the challenge and grow"

Shut up already! I am sick of fucking "growing"!

oops. Sorry...

3. Unconscious Influence
Abundance (King Pentacles)

'The whole man...rich in the body, rich in science, rich in meditation, rich in consiousness"
"If you are a woman, the King of Rainbows brings the support of your own male energies into your life, a union with the soulmate within"

No tarot. I don't feel abundant. I don't feel whole. Isn't that the problem?

4. Conscious Influences
Success (6 Fire)

"Whether they be valleys or peaks, keep in mind that "this too will pass" Celebrate, yes, and keep on riding the tiger"

The card is saying that life comes in waves. There are good times. There are bad times. Celebrate when it is good, but don't expect it to be good all the time. How very irritating.

I wonder if it means that a certain Tiger is influencing me too much or not enough. I only know two tigers. There is Zen Tiger, and there is Bob Tiger. I know for a fact that Bob Tiger has an uncanny influence over me. I think I am addicted to Bob Tiger.

5. Old Patterns
Miser (4 Pentacles)

"This woman has created a fortress around herself and is clinging to all the things she thinks are her treasures. She has accumulated so much stuff she has made herself ugly in the effort"

"This card challenges us to look at what we are clinging to, and what we feel we possess that is so valuable that it needs to be protected by a fortress"

"Loosen your grip and feel the freedom and expansiveness that sharing can bring"

Guilty. My treasures are my dreams, feelings, memories, friends, and connections. Time. Intimacy. Relationships. And most importantly those few people I feel that I click with. Those few who I feel actually get me. And they are all leaving me. It is SO hard not to cling. I am being emptied out. I am almost empty now.

And I have just realised what I value most in this world: connections with people. The stronger and more the intimate the connection, the more I value it. Is that really such a bad thing? Without meaningful connections my life is meaningless. And it is is pretty close to meaningless now.

6. New Patterns
Innocence (Sun)

"The innocence that comes from deep experience of life is childlike, but not childish...it has a quality of wisdom and acceptance of the ever-changing wonder of life"

7. Self: your feelings and attitudes about the issue
Past Lives (Moon)


"this is a wake-up call. The events in your life are trying to show you a pattern as ancient as the journey of your soul"

8. Attracting from Outside
Nothingness (Hierophant)

"Being 'in the gap' can be disorienting and very scary. Nothing to hold on to, no sense of direction. , not even a hint of what choices and possibilities lie ahead. It is vibrant with possibilities. It is pure potential."

Being empty is difficult. I keep thinking I am empty, then more is taken away.

Phoenix keeps saying that "Nothing leaves our lives unless something better is coming." I'd like to believe her and sometimes I do believe her. Just not at the moment.

9. Desires/Denials
Ordinariness (8 Pentacles)

"beauty can be found in the simple ordinary things of life"
"You are facing a time now when this easy, natural, utterly ordinary approach to the situations you encounter will bring far better results than any attempt on your part to be brilliant, clever, or otherwise extra-ordinary"

I have always avoided the ordinary. The ordinary scares me a little.

Thunderbolt (The Tower)

Hahaha!!! Very funny. This card AGAIN! I think the Tower has appeared in almost every spread over the past year or so. And usually in the Outcome/Key position.

"Your sense of security is being challenged, and the natural tendency is to try and hold on to whatever you can. But this inner earthquake is both necessary and tremendously important - if you allow it you will emerge from the wreckage stronger and more available for new experiences"

Well. It is a very long earthquake! And what did I say about not wanting to be stronger?

I'm not sure I like it when the tarot is clear and unquivocable. Some things aren't that pleasant to face up to.

christ. i hate that people like you believe in this stuff. people who have amazing minds, and people who don't shuffle their cards well enough ;)

are you coming over for antm?
I shuffle :p

Why do you hate that I believe in this stuff? And what about it don't you believe in?

Maybe I will post about what I get out of tarot. I have a friend who believes in "stuff" that you wouldn't like, but she avoids tarot because she doesn't want to know what is going to happen in the future. I don't believe in tarot like she believes in tarot.

Maybe I should do a reading for you one day ;)
Other people's beliefs that I don't find rational (generally) don't bother me, as long as they're not in my face about it. Someone can tell me all about their beliefs all day long (I do like learning new things, even if I don't personally believe them), but as long as they don't try to get me to agree with them or ask me for my comments, I'm totally fine with it.

If you "believe" in stuff, then good for you, if it works for you. For me personally, I generally don't "believe" in things which I don't "believe" have a rational basis. But is that a belief? I don't know. But it works for me.

Your interest in other people's beliefs combined with your disinclination to tell them they are wrong is one of my favourite things about you :)

That comment made my night, and thus, it being 1:16AM Sunday morning, I will let that be the final thought to enter my conscious mind. Hence, off to bed with me...

You rock :)
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